Some days all I need is coffee and lipstick !
I missed you today, Jean-Claude. I have been missing you a lot lately but as you were my best friend and anything nice happens to me, my brain automatically says “I should tell this to Jace” and I then remember you not being here. On this Sabbath morning, babies and I sat around and thanked the Lord for His immense mercies and blessings and that we were happy and God saw us through when we were going through the valley of shadow of death.
We thought it would be Spring and then snow almost drowned us in about half a foot of snow… we are thawing now and even tho it’s bone chilling cold, the sun was out and warm on my face and I was warmed to that feeling where the spring is in the air and all my molecules kept saying, I can feel the summer in the air !
My new job is maximum chill and I am happy and content… I keep singing to myself and lightly dance around the office…. I swear I could ask for anything and my boss would give it to me. She is insanely grateful that I am so cheerful with smiles and that I do whatever she asks with a smile and she keeps saying this half aloud to herself and half aloud to me. Did I tell you that she asked me what salary I wanted ? I picked my salary.
Traumatized people are often afraid of feeling. It is not so much the perpetrators (who, hopefully, are no longer around to hurt them) but their own physical sensations that now are the enemy. Apprehension about being hijacked by uncomfortable sensations keeps the body frozen and the mind shut. Even though the trauma is a thing of the past, the emotional brain keeps generating sensations that make the sufferer feel scared and helpless. It’s not surprising that so many trauma survivors are compulsive eaters and drinkers, fear making love, and avoid many social activities: Their sensory world is largely off limits. “Bessel van der Kolk “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and the Body in the Healing of Trauma”
Trauma ! After you died, my nights were filled with night terrors of me pulling my teeth out… tugging and twisting and leaving tiny crates and I felt the salty blood fill up in these as tiny pools and how vivid my dreams were…. I kept collecting them in a jar on my night table… waking up in cold sweats and ran my tongue to make sure my teeth are still there…
Night after nights trying to sleep in flood lit house as I was afraid to be in the dark in our house all by myself and some nights I sat by the window for the sun to come up so I can sleep.
I keep swallowing down the lump in my throat which never goes down, and the bleeding broken heart in my chest, and the tight knot in my rib cage from so many unsaid things. There were apologies brimming on the tips of my tongue, but I keep my mouth shut for fear of spilling all the unsaid things lurking between my lips. I want to tell you that I have wandered and got lost while learning to be brave, to dive into something where there are no promises or guarantees, let alone a safety net and no comforting logic to cradle me. I often fell asleep with tears staining my cheeks, shaking not because it was cold; I took baby steps and knew that despite my best intentions and hopeful wishes, the dizzying stupidity of having positive thoughts laced with all I do, I could never find comfort; I don’t know how to begin to explain to you, that I traveled vast distances in reasons beyond needing a conclusion to the murky mass I had been floating around in the past few years.
I have been vulnerable, getting familiar with my mistakes, arriving at a truth that left me unable to hold onto something anymore, the consequences of falling in love and when the burden is too heavy for the other to life, the result of the right person and wrong ending; I keep wondering how long can I keep quietly caring for you, even now, silently praying with pleas of desperate hope to find another you, so I can move ahead without fear.
I keep pushing away everyone who wants to be close to me. I feel guilty for leading strangers into flames of something horrible, encouraging them to be brave with me and I leave holding on to my scars and sad bruises life left on my skin in trickling red or in purple blue constellations..
I have given up taking risks or chase lofty ideas of possibility, because in the end, no matter what I conquer, there will still be that part that hurts much more than I would like to admit. I was piling excuses and refusing to admit that I had put forth an effort that felt muscular and violent, the push and shove that created perspiration on the palms of my hand. It f$%ing hurts and it left me feeling more scared and vulnerable than ever.
I missed you today. Again.
I found myself transported by a triggering circumstance to a place I knew only vaguely, the small world trapped between where I’ve been and where I am heading. I have this particular longing that make my heart hurt and my mind weigh heavy on the consequences of what my actions. It wasn’t the anger I shook from, shouting bitter words and leaving hot tears behind because I wanted to be enough, but I couldn’t quite be. It was the odd, melancholy notion that you will forever be caught in memories. I will be holding on to fragments that keep falling through the cracks of my brain. I missed you because I wanted you to be more than just some mediocre-ly penned past, because I didn’t want you to end, but rather keep going on and on, one chapter following the next, closing chapters with proper paragraphs, definitive sentences and pauses and periods.
I decided I want a baby and as IVF is not quite Biblical, I am adopting a child. A girl preferably who I can raise to be as intelligent as her mama; a boy is fine as well. I am trying to remember what name you picked for a girl when I was pregnant with our child and I can’t remember. I also lost our baby twinkie and I miss her terribly. I have lost many loved ones since you, but you and twinkie are still painful. The others, their memories throb sometimes and it’s difficult for me to breathe at those times. I have been holding in my breath but I think I am going to exhale now.
That’s just today, though. Like yesterday and tomorrow, like all the days stretching before and after, things will be different. This is all just for now, until next time, I miss you. Talk to you and see you eventually.