For the past few days, I have been waking up with “it’s not fair as the sun isn’t even up yet and why am I” and whining in general. But the alarm pushes on, through my multiple snoozes. So, ok I am here, I am tired, nay exhausted, but my brain is getting rusted and so I must vomit my thoughts out of my brain before I have a hemorrhage.
My current boss is lovely and she tells me like a hundred times, I like you, you are not leaving me, right ? and I keep assuring her that I won’t and that I like her. I sympathize with her and I know it’s hard to be a female executive, and juggle work and family. The boy at work, T, who wants my attention is still vying for my attention and after much contemplation, with sadness I decided, I can’t really encourage him as he is not a Sabbath-keeper and I have no energy to take on someone who isn’t Christian and proceed to work on them. If it’s God’s will, I leave him to God to convert him and present him to me gift wrapped. And because of this decision, I have been taking a very circuitous route to bypass his office (he still stops by my desk, of course). And alas, he so rudely reminds me of my loneliness, by just stopping by with some excuse or the other; eyes searching for a response and lips slightly smiling as if to say “I know your secret”. So fine, I’m willing to move through my pride into humility and understanding and I do this because I care ! and I listen because I care and so I moved the rock from my garden and blocked my heart.
While in the church today, the boy Z who played piano so hauntingly (I mentioned him before), started a conversation about marriage and Adventists and he said, I have a guy for you and then I interjected him and said is it A..? A is a guy at my church and everybody is trying to fix me up with him and I think I am not very suited for him as I’m feisty and I can bulldoze people with my spiritedness. Even Z said so and he said no but he never finished his thought and I forgot to ask who he thought it would be. While driving home, I realized this part of the conversation and I had a horrible thought that he may be referring to himself which would be like really bad as he is barely 30. On a plus side, he is cute, Adventist, plays piano, delivers wonderful prayers and really involved in church. I came home and the rain came down in buckets and hail and some cats and dogs, as well.
I have been missing being surrounded by books (thanks to my last job) and so I talked to my boss and told her that I would like to start a library, albeit, it’s an accounting library but I need something in my work which I can actually call something a library; it’s like a safety blanket thing. The other day when I was going to work, apparently there was an accident and so I had to stand on the train as there were no seats, and I was giggling with this fellow passenger and in front of me there was this guy who bent his head over his iphone and browsing through facebook and on the nape of his neck there were all these little hairs and I so very badly wanted to shave them, as they just looked so out of place and so unruly.
Been missing my loved ones heavily and I wander in my house from room to room, calling out their names and saying I love you and I miss you and that I am sorry. And I beg God to forgive me if I had hurt them in any way. The other day I bought a bunch of sermons on the topics of Holy Spirit, Daniel and Sanctuary and on book of Daniel by Dr. Leslie Hardinge (who I love and adore);I bought these sermons so many times and I keep giving them away to people and I never get them back and I love Daniel so much, I go through those sermons a lot of times and as far as Bible and I are concerned, book of Daniel is very important for our time and so is the sanctuary cleaning message; so as I was listening, Dr. Hardinge said, how many times do you ask forgiveness from God for the same mistakes (or sins) ? and don’t you believe or trust Him that He has forgiven you ? Why do you make Him a liar because He said He won’t remember our sins once we confess and repent, That put an abrupt end to my appeals to God regarding my past imperfections;
I often find myself falling into an overwhelming grief and by some coincidence, also chilling in my car or my bed or listening to music so it’s not that bad. My brain warps and warbles when I am in a mood like this and my thoughts go like: “the world in general is f@#ked and I am running low on hummus; are those yellow flowers on that open bush; and my car has great speakers and this is a great gift to be immersed the greenness of the traffic light and so on and so forth. The mere multiplicity of it all… and ding ding ding…
Being in the present moment. There’s full immersion and magical about concerts, having sex, and skydiving; participants in these activities are completely and utterly immersed to their bones in these moments. There’s no pausing in the past no stress for future and just living, breathing and absorbing every detail like a bone-dry sponge. Highly tuned to the smells, the sights, the tastes, the touches and the sounds become rich and colorful and alive; is there a better way to live than being the present moment ? that’s why I love animals as they live in the present moment. Just acknowledge and appreciate your current situation with eyes wide open and even more wide open heart. Such liberation, such life !
I long for the velvety silk milk warmth of loving, which is currently in hibernation now. It faintly translates to getting caught in a deluge and getting drenched and just laughing and the sky was black as my grief; and when the rain ended the color of the sky and there’s no way I can describe how clean and how clear and how surreal the world seems; it amazes me what these violent storms do to the colorscape and it amazes me what ends up radiating. I don’t necessarily feel sad; I just feel like …. Oh what are the words ? … I just feel like, my heart is buried somewhere deep, deep and going pitter pitter pitter… who knows about relations, or who knows what love is or even whether I am equipped for it or whether it’s enough ? I am sure I am not gonna die of aching heart, or loathsome loneliness; I am sure I am going to laugh those big laughs again and catch snowflakes in the hair and I am sure there will be days for me and I am here, now and thinking about not running away; there will be days we can meet in a garden where cats roam chasing squirrels and there will be days, and yes, we have to meet there again.
I wish us all sudden and unpredictable comfort.
I will now go and put on a sweater