I’m not quite sure how my story ends, but I will try and give it a good (happy) ending. After getting home and debating whether I should cook or not, the not won out. On a plus side, I have been cooking A LOT lately on account I have decided I will slowly move towards being vegan and so far I have eliminated cheese, reduced on the amount of eggs I eat in a week and now preparing brown rice in a new and delicious way by many experiments. Also to my relief, my café at work has great meals and yummy salads and I just can’t get enough of their Cajun brown rice and they are gonna have for lunch tomorrow but as we are having lunch at work I probably will get that to go for dinner. My job is immensely satisfying in that the people work very hard and super nice and leave me the f$%k alone to do my job. My boss drags me out to lunch every other day or we have lunches organized in the office because it’s year ending earnings releases or quarter ending releases and apparently it’s the norm to have lunches.

Some say it’s beauty that catches attention while personality captures the heart, but I found myself falling in love with this guy’s mind long before noticing his body. Every thought process and speech pattern exists as efflorescent. It’s impossible not to be revived by such brilliant blooms. At my work, there’s this handsome CAO (I kid you not), with intense blue eyes, very soft spoken, makes me laugh so much and very humble in spite of his position; and in fact, my boss was like T “the handsome one” when she was telling me about him while she was giving me the details of the people I should know; anyway, he has been intellectually flirting with me and I know he is not married, but not sure what his relationship status is (he has kids) and so I am holding myself back, but it’s like a huge ego boost for me because c’mon the most attractive guy on the premises is chasing after me and I’m dying to find out what his relationship status is and very close to asking him. All this feels comfortable like a well worn cashmere; but, why oh why do I always get attracted to men who are no good to me ? I mean, I’ve firmly resolved not to get involved with anyone other than a man who is God fearing, a Christian, a Sabbath-keeper, a cat lover, etc. but now this ! I will keep you guys posted on future events

Treat this as a confession. I’m never fully present in a semi-lit, waning moon sort of way. One can hold me and pinch every inch of my body and still not find me as I am really not here. I often feel like I am subtly disintegrating, shedding my energy and one can find the traces of my existence in nooks and crannies if one cares to look for. It feels like the process of fading is slow but sure, and may be one day I will wake to find that I’ve forgotten what it really means to have a heartbeat. May be I’m already vanishing.

But… I’m grateful that there is a but. But, I am immensely grateful for the way things turned out and turning out. I am grateful for many things. I am progressing in life by making intuitive and informed decisions. I am always making an effort to act with compassion and understanding. I am learning from each and every experience. I am healing myself and trying to touch the world. I am a beacon. I am making a positive impact on the people around me. I am an inspiration at least to some. I am utilizing my talents. I am always thinking and creating. I am unaffected by unconscious individuals and their malicious intentions, actions, and opinions. I am able to handle any situation that I find myself in with the help of my God and I found out I am always safe with Him holding my hand. I am existing as a part of a collective that is large and incomprehensible. I am on the right track. I am picturing myself being whole and I will be whole.