A long time ago I wasn’t ready to have place for my roots to spread out or gather some moss, but here I am, still like some kind of lily plant, rootless, no real bloom yet, buds may be, and half opened flowers, scented and sweet and often too exhausted to open fully; roots floating and trying to clutch so as to anchor but only succeeding in gently breezing over some finned things and small fishies. I am okay and even though I feel like I am a self sabotaging fool, but we needn’t talk about it, except that I create chaos and I often lose control but I always find a pattern in this chaos. I have let go of my bitterness, my anger at all the loved ones who left me and I let go all my grief even though I am not ready to let go and I have all these unresolved things and unfinished relationships which I feel intensely; but I made a promise myself to be kind to myself even though it’s quite difficult and I’m begging God to teach me to be compassionate with myself. I am exhausted with my allergies and not taking any modern medicine comes with a price and I am exhausted and waiting for the natural remedies to kick in. And in all this I realized that I haven’t asked God to heal me of my allergies and so, when you say prayers remember to talk to Him about my allergies. It’s exhausting also, how many times can I explain myself to myself ?
I have taken to fill my vacant pockets of time to walk around parks and talk to plants, ferns and oaks about healing. I have grown too soft, too dreamy-eyed or whatever you may call it. I am working long hours and all the six days as the nonprofit organization application got approved and now the real work started but it is like giving birth to a baby and now we are nurturing it to make it grow and there are plans being made and board meetings to attend and phone calls to make and all the while I am thinking “this is it! this is it, isn’t it ? this is exactly what needed to f$@ing happen !”
And all this while the days move on the backs of the clouds and time move over us and every minute is like some boat taking off from a dock nearby to touch the throat of another place, crossing millions of finned things and fishies. I still feel rootless, and sometimes feel like something finless and wafting in the breeze like the oak leaf dropped out of its mother and trying not to land on something hard, or something muddy or some puddle. For all the normality I long I have no models for the normality and I am thinking at least I have some boundaries and some faint sketches of some shadows of a shapeless metallic city.
I haven’t been sleeping all that much lately. Haven’t gone out or met up with friends lately as I have so little time left. I made an effort and made time for Jack the other night (Thursday) and we had Chinese and spent a half night with him and had a long chat.
Jack was afraid for his marital status (he is gay and married to a man) as a republican president was getting sworn in the next day and I spent a bit of time talking some sense into him. Jack then proceeded to talk to me about his numerous drug and alcohol overdoses and his suicide attempts and said he should have been dead and he doesn’t know why he was still alive. I told him because God has a purpose for him and even though Jack may not acknowledge His presence it still is true. I am certain of one thing though, that God placed Jack in my life so I can heal. I don’t know how to have human interactions, and I am bad at it but Jack bridged that gap. How many chances do we get to heal ?
I remember that story “my side of the mountain”. It’s about a kid who runs away from home to live in a tree in the catskills; comforted in the story, the ease with which you can just catch a falcon, make acorn pancakes, pick strawberries in the summer. I am tired and I have been tired. It has been hard but I have had days where God held me and let me cry telling me I know, Shanthi, that this has been hard for you. You have been trying hard and so well. But you do not need to make yourself so small. You don’t need to make yourself disappear. You are human, and you are loved and cared for, and you are going to make it through. Just breathe !