Well belated happy thanksgiving ! honestly I started this blog when it was still thursday…
I wanted to show off my pullover hoodie as I am a Flyers’s fan and I live in this till the NHL season is done…. I also have a sports bra & a beanie with flyers’ logo…. I have to take a photo of myself whenever I am at gym and text it to my trainer as he thinks I am not putting enough time working out which is slightly true as now a days I’m being pulled in many directions and also I am getting lazy and I put on a pound (mainly ‘cause of my inhaler as cold weather is debilitating and it’s quite impossible for me to breathe when I wake up as my lungs crinkle like paper and so I take in albuterol & qvar to get them functioning again) and my ballet teacher was livid for that extra pound and ugh, I am back in the gym and working out again as much as possible as I am in nutcracker as well come this December…
Robbie woke me up at 6 in the morning (texts) to tell me this game he played last night with his friend Star Wars: Battlefront and how in this game, you can’t kill ewoks and how badly he wanted to kill them because they ruined the movie (Star Wars : Return of the Jedi) by their very cute teddy bear like stuff and thus, they must feel his wrath…. And I was thinking, do I really care about this. It’s 6 in the morning, and I don’t have to go anywhere in a hurry, even my kids haven’t woken up and I was thinking, I am so not equipped to deal with this kind of conversation at this time of the morning so I shut off the noise button and dove back under the covers.
Curiouser, curiouser ! The CEO I snapped at surprised me by asking me to meet with him some time in the following week. I had to work a bit today and later in the afternoon Jack & I went to help out with the Thanksgiving thing for the homeless and I was exhausted when I got home and went straight to my bed and napped. I woke up an hour later and met up with Jack and we worked out for four hours and now I am sore all over; but it is a good punishment tho;
I’ve been doing this analysis for my former boss and now the data comprises of 20,000 rows and columns are at P and Paula & I are laughing thinking when excel would tell us that we have reached the max… working with that much of data is really fun for me as these are numbers and you know, one wrong digit and your data is invalid or throws up errors and rectifying the errors is where the major fun is. I thought I would stay in bed today and do nothing but read books or watch Netflix and it didn’t quite go that way.
I ran out to get a roast chicken for my kids; buying chicken is fine but there’s so much of wastage of the bird as my kids absolutely don’t touch the legs and they just want the breast. I usually peel the flesh and cut it into bite sizes and absolutely no skin or bones. I keep asking the kitchen people at the store to just cook a chicken breast. My kids are weird tho.. One time I bought them KFC and no one wanted that chicken… go figure and I had to bin the 12 piece bucket of chicken and I felt awful and I just couldn’t bring myself to offer this chicken to meat eating people saying, “um sorry but my kids don’t want this, so can you please have this”
While working out, Jack as usual started off on his rant about conservatives and the paranoia and racism stuff which strangely affects only liberals. I usually don’t contradict him as there’s no point in wasting my energy. I can’t help people if they blindly believe in what they believe. There’s no logic to their thoughts or any facts associated with their thoughts. I am a business person. I deal with numbers and facts. I am logical and very clinical (as I am a scientist) and not very emotional. The moment someone starts explaining to me why something isn’t done, I know that that person is useless in many ways. I agree that sometimes things weren’t done because of X, Y and Z but there’s always a way to finish it. So I let him rant to his heart’s content and then he asks me, why don’t I date this guy (one of the gym guys) as he is a millionaire. I am like, because I am not attracted to him; he is young but he was born into money and he didn’t earn that money and he is an absolute moron when it comes to books and reading; and money is not the driving force for my dating requirements and I won’t respect myself if I date him just cause he is wealthy. I would rather be poor in money and wealthy in books; and Robbie, btw has a couple of trunks of books and he is damn proud of these ! and I have designs to line my walls with bookshelves and books.. !
It’s easy to put pressure on myself, to think that what I’m currently doing is somehow not enough when in reality its perfectly fine, and wonderful sometimes; I have this list of things which I am doing, responsibilities I have undertaken at church or with friends, and have equations of sorts of what I am putting in and taking out. There are still outstanding matters on my list and they were there far too long, and I am breathe in and I breath out and I am holding myself together and stapled my innards so I won’t spill myself over and at the end of it all, I feel like a deadweight and I sink into my pillow. There are many things I need to complete; this is not to say that I am not at my best; I am at my best it’s just that my source or power, happiness is dependent on me being able to breathe and I haven’t had enough time to breathe in lately.
I am a mess of post-its, loose papers, chaotic thoughts, things written down on scraps of paper, backs of my wrists; I sit in the shower thinking about things, and forgetting about things; I find myself in a strange place, neither here nor there, neither winter nor spring; an inbetween space between sighs and behind closed eyelids; my life, it seems is a brief pause, a comma and everything’s up in the air these days.
When I sit and think about what is important to me, my well-being seems to the least important bit on the list; there’s work, my future, my relationships, my past, missing people, hurting people, my mental well-being, my dancing, my health, my little body-mind kind of lounging off of on the couch; I’ve spent the past few months either utterly blissful or facedown in my pillow completely depleted off energy; it’s difficult for me to admit my own weaknesses or that I am not okay, but may be that the case; I am very much not okay and maybe I just need to let myself rest.
I let the sun heal me, soothe me and my badass playlist keeps my heart beating, but I still feel like I am just surviving, barely scraping by enough, keeping my short-term-self happy by checking out books from the library and I just want to take a highlighter and underline all the things I read and I feel like melting all the poems and injecting them straight into my brain. May be I am bit of a mess, and may be in a strange way I enjoy it at times, but what’s taken me a very long time to realize is that this is not the me that I am when I’m my best. But this is okay as it always circles around and you start at the beginning again. In any event, I am grateful for many things in my life and grateful to God, to my cats, to my lovers, to my mentors, to my books, to ballet and to musique.