I have had to make so many adult choices today. I had days when I don’t want to be an adult anymore and I just want to curl up and watch Miyazaki movies or go to sleep. I had to decide on one job out of all these choices I am presented with and it’s very confusing as I am interviewing for so many great companies and they are all awesome but as they are direct hires, I am doing layers and layers of interviews which hugely is annoying. Also the actual position I am applying for is getting morphed into a totally different thing and that only adds to my confusion.

This morning I had an interview at 7 a.m. (I tend to leave my house to go to my work around 8 a.m.) and so I thought I would have an hour for phone interview and why the f#$% not. The reason the interview was that early is because the CEO of this company is either flying in or flying out of the country and so he wanted to interview at that time. I was told someone gonna ring me and then I will connected to the CEO. So when this guy called I was talking to him with one eye on my watch wondering when I would be connected to the CEO and my patience was getting thin and so when he asked me a question, I snapped and said “that’s because I’m g%$damn intelligent” and he laughed so hard that I actually got very embarrassed for two reasons 1. I am trying to quit cursing and 2. I never use such language with other people esp. with whom I am interviewing… and then this happens… he said “half of the salary I pay goes for attitude like this” and that’s when a tiny bulb went on in my brain as that dude I was happily chatting was in fact the CEO. I am not gonna hold my breath on getting a call again from him but hey, I figured I have a right to be snappish because a. he never announced to me that he is the bloody CEO and b. he made me late for work today.

Tomorrow I got another interview and again this is another morphed one where this think tank wants to check me out. As long as they give me maths, logic problems along with the salary I am expecting, I am cool. I have decided I am not gonna sell me short even if I have to wait a long time for that someone who would pay me what I am actually worth and in the meantime, Paula (my former boss) said she will adopt me.. lol or I will do a paper route. She and I are a great pair though. We have fun working together on Sundays as I am helping her with a project and last Sunday I actually spent two g$%damn hours trying to reconcile the operational expenses because I was showing 9 cents more than the bank…. But I did find my mistake and it was worth it as the rush I got is incredible.. idk why people want to do drugs.. they should actually do maths and get high on that !!

Different departments from the place where I am at right now are still courting me and I am gently but firmly turning them down as I think they really can’t afford me which is a shame as I came to like a few people there who genuinely like me.

I am trying to think about the answer to “what are the five moments in your life that have led you to where you are today ?” and I am thinking fate would be the stupidest answer to this and then I knew the answer; it’s the road not taken (Robert Frost) and it’s one of my favorite poems and I will definitely do the exact same things again, albeit, avoid certain things but I am thinking, I don’t regret my life at all. There’s sadness, there’s heart ache but never regret. I am better and stronger because of all my experiences and all the people I met; people taught me things; like this woman at work who can’t figure out her job even if her life depends on it and did the only thing she is best at; blaming other people but I took that as negative learning experience and I learned how to beat her at her game;

like goodnews girl; she taught me to talk to people who may come off as different than what I am but they may surprise you by echoing your innermost thoughts and become your clone;

like this subway attendant; he is such a sweet guy; I buy tokens for public transportation and so I was at this window hopping lightly as any moment the train may come and as usual I have things in my hands and I am having difficult time to grab my wallet out to get the cash out to buy tokens and he came to my rescue; he is like could I help you and when I said yes, he came out of the booth and took my wallet and took the cash out, went into his booth, bought me tokens and ripped the tokens pouch and put my tokens in my bag and paid my fare with one of the tokens so I could go to the platform; and now a days, when he sees me coming bouncing down the stairs he goes “hello” very loudly and I smile at him and go my way;

like blue walls – I have to thank him for actually making me pause in my sadness and pay attention to him; too bad he is a confused person; but may be one day I can direct his ways and make him shine;

I am really proud of myself lately and I never would have been able to say that before. I am proud of where I am now compared to where I was a couple of years ago (a very dark place). I am proud of what I have done for myself and what I am going to be doing. I am going to do the best that I possibly can out of what I have and these are going to be difficult days but I am going to make the best of it.