I’m sitting here at the corner of today and tomorrow and trying not to grieve once again. But there is this lump in my throat and tears swelling up. This had been a difficult morning and I was quiet at the church and I said I wasn’t feeling well (true) when asked and I am now sitting here watching the night and watching the time pass me by. My heart is pacing inside my ribs like a caged animal in anguish. Trying to lock-in this grief inside my belly and I am trying to hold on to this grief like rain puddles in the cups of my hands, but they are too small to hold this grief and these puddles are seeping through the crevices of my knuckles and soaking me to the bone.
Grief already turned me into a new language and I stand as a sacrifice and vibrate as a new hymn. They say that when grief comes, you start eating the parts of yourself which hurts the most and all that is remaining of me are bare-bones.
My heart was already heavy as I sometimes get really hard questions in my inbox on tumblr and my heart goes out to them. The other day this girl was asking me where was God when she got raped ? I am heart broken and I bleed and I cry when I read and hear or see things like this because I know how it feels to be in such situations, I mean I may not be in “this” situation but I was in traumatic situations and I know no matter what anyone says, it’s not enough and the wounds never heal. While I know the simplest answer is God can’t intervene as the entire universe is watching our “human drama” as Paul put it, but it’s not enough. Never enough. It’s a deliberate and conscious effort to take comfort in knowing that one day God makes everything new and that’s what I passed along to her along with a broken piece of my heart and I told her, “I laugh to survive and every day I learn to breathe anew when I wake up each morning, and that I keep remembering that God is on my side and that is enough”.
I always try and attempt to write letters of my grief. But melancholia spreads itself on the edges of the paper and gives me paper cuts. So I resorted to drown my sorrows into inked thoughts and miyazaki movies. This night is gonna be long and I have to be up by 4 a.m. as I am doing this business presentation in New York. All through the day little schools of fish swished around in my eyes and I think I am gonna get dressed and go for a walk and may be inhale some stars to coat my insides and may be, my grief weakens just a little. I will wedge my sadness in the door of tomorrow.
At the end of the day I am afraid of letting go and I trust my heart enough to hold me….
#i have no words #twinkie