“I have your name on my wall, Shanthi” said Spencer when I bumped into him at work today. I laughed and thought to myself he probably had it quite strategically placed too. I do have this delicate way of talking (:P) which is mildly threatening and very demanding and the last time I was chatting with him, I compelled him to write down my name so he would never forget it and now, well my name is on his wall… 🙂

These my days, they are full and chaotic and beautiful and brimming and I feel calm and powerful and important …. I mean why not. I feel free in an important way. I resumed running on the treadmill and have been running and running for miles. I am thinking how to tell my story without passing along the wounds ?

This afternoon, the boys I hang out with and “goodnews” girl went out to get some French fries. I love French fries but for obv. reasons I don’t eat them a lot, but today I had a craving and so I asked my friend if she would like to get some fries from the café and she said yes, but then I met the boys at the coffee station and they said, why not let’s go to the European republique where you get a dozen sauce choices with your fries and I was like why not and I called up “good news” girl and we all decided we will lunch and also throw in a bonus thai bubble tea as well for afters…

(in old city philly, you have all these restaurants with wannabee clever names, and hipster names but this one is quite awesome as they have some nice paintings hanging on their walls and I will visit again just to admire the cleverness of the paintings; like for example… this painter did a painting with half summer and half winter and named it “250 days of summer”… did you get it ? isn’t it quite clever ?)

I got fries with roast garlic and jalapeño sauce and it was fun but the fries are not that great that I would lust after them. While coming back we cut across an alley and there was another small alley off of it and it said elbow lane and then “good news” girl and I started off on naming the streets with body parts like, knee cap junction, tibia way, stiff neck lane……

“good news” girl informed me that she is seriously thinking about giving up eating meat because of me as I have told her that I am vegetarian because I am an animal rights activist and because I love animals and so I don’t deliberately kill animals including bugs. I chose not to pursue a career in sciences, in spite of the fact that I love science and research but unless you use animals models, you won’t get grants and I have chosen to not kill animals in the name of science and there you have it or me. I told her that it is admirable that she made that decision and being a vegetarian is a work in progress and so she should take baby steps as sometimes even I (I was a carnivore before) crave for flesh when I smell certain cuisine as my body still remembers the taste of those foods as the smells evoke ancient memories.

Some of my kids have sniffles and they keep walking around with little sneezes. One year all my 20 cats got cold and it was horrible for me and I was on the verge of tears. Because when animals get cold, they can’t smell their food and so they won’t eat and an animal shouldn’t go more than a day without food and so, here I was trying to force feed all the twenty kids and give them antibiotics (preventative in case it was bacterial) and remove their snot from their itty bitty noses with the baby nose cleaner and I was truly exhausted and was in tears. But it is what a mum does…  you know, take care of her kids.

Some guy sent me a message on the tumblr saying he has a huge crush on me and that he would like to date me.. I replied, “I am the most boring person in real life and almost always sleepy… you have chosen well”.

Suddenly I have a lot of options regarding boys… I still haven’t called the Frenchie with twinkling blue eyes; and Robbie texted me yesterday asking me for a second chance… he was the guy I was dating before I dropped him (you know I ranted about I should have at least watched Star Trek with him). He isn’t unreasonable; he is intelligent, reads tons of books and discusses them with a quiet passion like me; has the same movie and tv show taste. He has two flaws; he is an atheist and he wishes his girl to keep saying ‘as you wish’….  Well in my case, I only say as you wish in bed where I’m up to no good, or may be where I am way too good,  and everywhere else, I am highly opinionated but I am not unreasonable, or illogical as honestly, if I were given a valid reason other than ‘because you are woman’, I am cool and agreeable. All I ask of any man is, reason with me, logic with me as your equal and as your partner.

Anyway, he’s like I miss you and am going through withdrawal and I want to see you again. Idk really. I may go and watch Dr. Strange movie with him. Honestly, I am not looking to have anyone in my life right now and I still have to resolve my feelings for blue walls; and also “good news” girl is trying to fix me up as well with her friends presenting at least one boy every two days and I keep telling her ‘no, but I don’t mind meeting him’… I think I am up to 5 people really.

Every time I look in the mirror I’ve a mini existential crisis and just am in awe at the fact that I’m still a living breathing thing and I’m still alive !  I see I have a nose, ears, lips and a smile ? it’s all very overwhelming tbh.

We are but ghosts tonight….. blue walls said something to me today and I was thinking, “you open your mouth and I make myself believe this is not goodbye” life goes on, life goes on… I keep telling myself but I don’t believe it for a second.

“Life goes on, life goes on,” and I rub my hands together muttering under my breath, “life goes on.” I put a slice of apple in my mouth and I say life goes on… I keep thinking that there is nothing that I can’t handle, but I can’t handle it alone. I keep tracing my wounds and my scars and I touch them lovingly. Reminders of who I was with, who makes my heart beat as tiny tiny whispers in my ear.

How do you tell your story without bleeding at your wounds ? I scratch at my memories so I can bleed and I use the blood as my muse. Tonight I don’t know what road to turn onto to hide. Where do I burrow ? may be some damp earth and wet stones. Here is what I am thinking: how do I hold grief without bringing it into my body. How do you hold a mother without bringing her sadness into your belly. I want to press my hands into something real, solid and tangible. I want to scratch at something besides myself. This is not a grief that is strange. I am well acquainted with it and accustomed to it. Just not comfortable with it. This is a grief of love lost, distilled loneliness, an empty-room breeze. can I take it in ?

I know I am strong but I would like to be strong enough to go deeper and to stop covering everything up. To stop pretending. I would like the courage to unveil and be splendidly, agonizingly alive. contained. alive. contained. like a fire that doesn’t consume but warms everyone who touches me. I just want to be free.

“My soul melteth for heaviness; strengthen thou me according unto thy word” Psalms 119:28

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