“I don’t eat anything with a face” I said to them, and now I need to revise that statement as I found out clams don’t have a face. Let me explain. My friend “good news” girl and I decided we will lunch yesterday and so we went to the café to get some soup and alas, I couldn’t as it was boring tomato basil and I ended up with salad and we came up to eat in our common area and couple of people joined telling us that we always giggle when we are together and they needed to know why. I was explaining that I don’t like tomato basil soup as I have to add so many things in it in order to bring it’s status up to the minimum edible levels and it is actually atrocious. And that I like french onion and Moroccan lentils and then my friend said what about clam chowder and I said clams are animals and I don’t eat anything with a face and so, now you know. Since then I found out that clams do have a head, but no face (?) and no eyes and so… I am still not eating them… my friend said, “are beans animals ?” and I said “no, they are not but I often wanted to have them as pets”. One of the guys who joined us said, “I had lunch with so many people, so many times, but I never had this sort of conversations”.  We both said he is welcome anytime to join us and partake our lunch and our insanity; honestly, she & I are perfect as we have high imagination and so we just need a topic and we take it up to the moon and yarn a lot of stories…..

This morning I sleepily wandered into the bathroom to find out there was a spider web, and a spider and a moth in the web. I valiantly tried to free the moth (it’s a baby), but believe me the spider’s web strings are mighty strong and so I actually had to get scissors to free the moth and then I gently tried to untangle his feet but the moth was impatient and so he lost his limbs but he flew around and went and sat on the blinds. Now that I completely destroyed the spider’s home and took away his breakfast, I hunted for some dead insect to feed it and I couldn’t and so I apologized to the spider and went my merry way.

So I finally got to start on my precious project of being a librarian and cataloguing and I had this huge smile all the time I was doing this. I got to touch them and caress them and that made me happy. I brought my friend to show her the books and well we did what we do the best. Squeal !!

One of them was a Bible from at least 1936  and it was a present to a little girl of 8; she wrote on her Bible and what’s with people in general and they write their family stuff in the Bible and my mum did the same as well… wrote up all our birthdays, imp events etc. and of course, this girl wrote the same and I bonded with her across the years and joined her in her past, as she shared her life with me and I was only too happy to read her story and I was happy with her on her best days and was sad on her worst; she was married when she 18 and her husband was 23 and she wrote the details of her honeymoon, where she went and when they returned and what route they took; btw, they went to Wisconsin (why ? I ask) and then she wrote: First Child Name and next to it in blue ink she wrote, none;  all the above was written in what was once red ink, now faded like her life and to see “none” in blue ink, it broke my heart… I wondered what happened. Was she pregnant when she eagerly wrote First Child’s Name and then lost her child or was she so full of anticipation to have a child and that she never could ? It made me quite sad and I sat there, tracing her words with my fingers and trying to console her….

Underneath this a new paragraph started…she had a dog named Bootsie and a cat named Cornball and she listed out the houses they lived in and the house they bought and the cars the couple bought… Also sadly her husband passed away when he was only 50 years and 3 months. I so very much wanted to know what had happened to her after…. May be google should help …

“Sorrow found me when i was young. sorrow waited, sorrow won…. ” The National. I want this as my epitaph on my tombstone…

I woke up with the thoughts of “blue walls and black cars” today and I wrote a poem of sorts. Sometimes, feelings need to be locked up for reasons and while not assuming anything, but as I was told often, nobody knows the future and I need to see my feelings in words. My writings are mostly morbid and so when I feel like the way I do, and to not write them down on to the paper is being dishonest.

I don’t know what it is about you that makes me feel like the way I do. I feel dizzy & feel like a flower blooming to the kiss of the sun. I don’t know what it is but my knees feel mushy when I’m around you.  The thoughts of you move through me, & separate my very core. Even though I never held you, I keep remembering how you feel. Its like even though a tree loses its leaves in Fall, it remembers that Spring would bring them back. Darling mine, why are you trying to be the coldest part of the Winter?

Lover, I leave you with no hard feelings. I want you to sing with happiness and never feel sorrow.  My darling, I will carry your sorrow. If I could, I’ll leave you books on your pillow for you to read. I’ll drink tea, my sweetness, when my heart aches for you. I hope you never feel as lonely as I feel without you.

My life is so odd & sometimes wonderful . Tho I’m exhausted, I keep repeating to myself “patience, patience, patience” and I keep bracing myself for the inevitable.

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