“And never have I felt so deeply at one and, at the same time, so detached from myself, and so present in the world” Albert Camus

Of course, Camus says things like this and of course, Shanthi feels like this

Today I got lost in dreams: It was so lovely sitting here and imagining my life with my boy who doesn’t exist anymore ! I know it doesn’t mean anything but reality has no place in my life. I am a perfect mannequin and I am actually more real sitting with my babies and reading my old journals and old love letters. This morning when I woke up, I can just tell that today would be amazing. Cats, Mocha, Pascal Obispo & books, nothing could really compare in my mind. Wishful thinking gets me nowhere though, and what a shame! Here I’m quiet again. Words no longer hold any meaning for me. Well, the written ones do. Voices are unnecessary. You completely bewitched my body and soul.

My boy and I were into books and old fashioned romance like actually writing love notes and leaving them in obscure places for the other person to find them… and I was reading some of them and I am smiling to myself as these make me quite happy. For example:

(wrote a long time ago, for the boy who doesn’t exist) I want to pour out my heart before you, but very imperfectly. I want to love you and I want to travel with you. I want to live out all the materialistic aspects of life – own pretty clothes and assorted vintage items; I want to take photos and record my happiness with you, in a beautiful journal. I want to bask in your love. I want to stay in your arms; I want to feel your soul; I want to make you smile; I want to know you. I want to learn to like myself. I want to stop hurting. I want to be independent and… I want to feel free again; I want to shed all these anchors weighing me down. I want to fu—-g soar.

And a note from my boy:

“And it’s the warm hearted truths like ‘things are infinitely better when you’re by my side’ that motivate my seemingly vacant soul on these long, lifeless days & nights.  Attachment is binding me to you so thickly. You’ve infiltrated my every thought. It doesn’t matter to me the distance or seconds between us, physically you’re wonderful but emotionally you’re fantastic. You have reeled me in & captured me in your beautiful stare. Those lips that curl into that smile remind me who I’m, who I’m not & why I’m here, with you and in front of you.”

(I wish I died instead of him)

My bed is getting crowded again with all my babies making way into my bed to have warmth. I don’t mind at all; who would ? they are like the softest and warmest comforters which purr and massage and love.

Today after work my coffee break friends and I went to Max Brenner… and I LOVE MAX BRENNER… it  not only satisfies my pretentious tastes but also provides yummy food. And my friends fell in love with it naturally. One of my friends is doing a presentation tomorrow and so we all supported him and let him practice in front of us and I remembered when I practiced presentations for my seminars (mol bio) with my friends, in empty labs (Drexel Med School) late at nights which creeped us out as the whole building seemed to have been haunted when we stayed and practiced our talks. And oh, we found out we are all Drexel alumni.

One of the guy’s friend came as well and she works for another company and she was saying how she is like dating a loser and I am like, can I please shake you and scream “what’s wrong with you”? “you don’t look stupid?”… she is like yes I know but I can’t seem to meet people… well duh, don’t look for guys in a bar… if I were to look for a guy, I’d stalk a library or a bookstore and a used bookstore has more appeal to me.  Until recently I was dating a guy (he was on a probationary period to test him out) and he was intelligent and reads books, works out, have the same movie tastes, total babe and dishy and able to have conversations with me but he was not for me as he expected me to follow his rules as he is a man and not have a give and take relationship and that won’t work for me. And I’m  like I don’t think so and when you lose that attitude, you can come back and reapply. Any way, too bad that didn’t work out but I am good and I only have one regret that I dumped him before we went and watched the Star Trek movie… I should have waited until after I watched it as I still didn’t get to see it…:)

I don’t want a submissive man but I don’t want a guy who wants to dominate me either and that’s completely no no for me as I don’t bat my eye lashes and laugh at their stupid jokes and say “yes master” and I usually tell men that I am a feminist but some people take me up a project and I promptly subdue them. I would bristle like a cat if any man even thinks of dominating me. Recently a guy told me that I am too aggressive and I was thinking, of course you would think that. If a man acts the way I did, everyone says he is assertive and if a woman does it, she automatically becomes a bit-h and called aggressive. I just looked at him and I was thinking, “go away… you are boring me now and go find someone you can control”.

One of the departments at work sent us all their newsletter and the head of this dept impressed me so much. I can’t publish the entire thing for obvious reasons but trust me he had some profound thoughts and God, I hope he is genuine. I have been unmasking people recently and seeing their true colors & I am not pleased at what I’m uncovering, to say the least and when I read this newsletter and his words, I felt rejuvenated and refreshed… and he goes “And, to be successful and sustainable, it requires a relentless commitment to confront and address ambiguity. One of my mentors used to say: “Uncertainty exposes a lack of knowledge. Pretending exposes a lack of character.””

Needless to say I copied his words and put them in my journal and I probably will keep them handy and memorize them. Anyone who can write this way, gets A+ from me, as you are aware of my love affair with words. Also, I love the way my boss paints with his words and I often tell him that he should have a blog and I will subscribe and he tells me he has too many things going. It’s a shame really to not have people read his thoughts. I have immense respect for him and I am thankful to God for him as he respects me and accepts me like I am (feminist and all.. LOL). You just need one person to believe in you and you can climb mountains. I am again, grateful to God in this matter as I have always had incredible bosses who are great teachers.

I cannot even begin to explain how it feels to have people you admire, the ones who have given you something to strive for, are giving you credit for the things you are afraid to say out loud. I’ll keep typing out the truth because I think that I am learning, now more than ever, that I have nothing to do but grow grow grow and every little bit of encouragement is helping me do just that.

Genuine beauty is quite alarming really and it’s breathtaking ! It fills up the soul with pure happiness. Small things make me happy. Like this father plaiting his daughter’s hair at the trolley stop; like this lady who was sitting in the opposite seat on the trolley, blushed and covered her blouse when her male partner peered into her blouse and commented something (I’m sure it’s a compliment); like the way this lady danced with her child in the parking lot of Giant grocery store; like the way this mother sang softly to her blind one year old son at the church; like the way the young girls hug me with affection; like the way my little niece cries when I’m leaving for my home;

All these little pieces remind me to keep rearranging. So with everything I’ve got and all the things I am still unsure how to give, I’ll just remember to rearrange.