In my head I am always in this mode. If I could wear this as a uniform, I would. At work even though I am sitting at my desk, in my mind, I’m hiding under the desk and sometimes, I literally want to get under the desk and work from there. And because I can’t do that for reasons, I have my headphones on and blast my music and transport myself into another world.

I’m like a timid little animal and you need to approach me calmly and preferably with a snack.

My friend at work, the “good news” girl and I keep giggling over my adventures and her adventures and I am happy when I receive emails from her. Recently she brought one of her friends over to me (he doesn’t work for our company) and introduced me as “the cream of the crop” of our company and that I’m her favorite.

I also made an impact on another girl and I call her “high priestess” in my head and she dresses exquisitely but she spoils it by wearing an extra piece of clothing or jewelry and ruins the look and I’ve taken upon myself to give her advice, albeit unsolicited, and compliments and the first day I started freely giving my “opinions” to her, she was wearing this beautiful flowing long dress and with an elaborate necklace which she called it sun necklace (and hence my nickname “high priestess”) but she also wore a vest and I am like.. nah, lose it ! and why not I’m the fashionista of the known universe even though I tend to dress up like a hobo most of the time as there’s no one I would like to impress or get compliments from.

Speaking of hobo look, the other day my boss was talking about buried treasure (as a devotional) and my mind wandered and I so wanted to giggle as I imagined, in the future, if anyone digs up my house (as in archaeology), they would be stumped to find a pile of all the combs & hair bands I lost and may write a thesis about an unknown ritual involving combs. I’ve lost so many combs.. hmm, lost ? nay they were stolen by my kitties and for the life of me I can’t find them and I don’t want to use their brushes to brush my hair and so after shower, I just brush with my fingers and walk away. I get several hundred compliments over this hairdo and I giggle inside. Currently I’m sans combs as I haven’t been to Target to buy the same.

At work, currently I am having “to be continued” intellectual discussions with a couple of colleagues. One is a CFO and I meet him at the coffee station and we talk about investment banking and we continue from where we left off and part with “to be continued”. The other one is our legal counsel and I meet him at the printer and we exchange knowledge him talking about legal stuff and I talk about mol bio and well, you know the drill..

Another colleague, kept introducing himself to me over and over again; “hi, I don’t think we’ve met” he keeps saying to me every time I bump into him in the corridor…  The second time, I was confused as well so I let it go even though I was sure I met him before. The third time, I burst out laughing, saying “Spencer, we met” and “this is the third time you are introducing yourself to me” and he apologized and now a days when I see him I go, “do you know who I am” and he is like “I forget your name but I know you” LOL

To be fair, it is a possibility for people to forget me as I don’t move from my desk that often as another colleague thought that I was a part-time for a long time and she was shocked to hear that I am actually a full time person. What can I say ? I am like a cat and blend in the background or hide under the desk.

On a side note, I have promised so many people at my work that I will lunch with them and so far I wasn’t able to. Lunches are very hard for me as I think it’s wasting a perfectly good work hour. And I want to relax when I eat, as I love eating and I want to savor and appreciate every bloody morsel I put in my mouth and lunches don’t offer me that opportunity and so I like to do dinners and I had dinners with men folk, but women in general want to rush home to their families and kids (I understand that bit) and so the eternal struggle continues… to lunch or not to lunch.

From our windows, I can see a billboard with a cloud on it. And I love that one a lot. I will post this one day. And I wish I could be that cloud on the bill board. And breathe in the fresh air and be free.

On Friday, while coming home, someone on the trolley asked me where a particular stop is and I explained and told them that their stop is after I get off. The two ladies were so thankful to me and continued with their thank you and have a good weekend so many times, I actually had to pause and think about it; clearly they were not used to someone being helpful in this way. All I did was share my knowledge of their stop and if I didn’t know the answer I probably would have said “no I am sorry I don’t know and may be check with the driver of the trolley”. I know the reason why also. People don’t care anymore to help someone.

I am learning to hang onto the positive notes in my life and leave out the sour notes which I seem to be hitting. But I am thinking, it’s not me who is hitting the sour notes, it’s just that the chords are broken…

All the poems I’ve been writing lately are either apologies or confessions. I’m thinking autumns are for goodbyes. Some people leave scars wherever they go and i think of you when my apologies bruise across my thighs in a thin red line and I thought of you when I cut my finger while peeling an apple.

Time is a selfish bit-h with all it’s consistencies and constancies and it’s driving me to insomnia… there isn’t enough time to think of tomorrow and I’m afraid of facing tomorrows anyway but I’m ok with that as tbh, I checked out of this so called life, two years ago and I dug myself a grave and I sleep in a coffin. Moi, walking dead with occasional flare ups of happiness which I blog about.

And I am not sure what I need to pull out or put in myself to reach that equilibrium ‘cause whatever I am doing is currently not working tbh. When I was taking the etiquette lessons, I was told that when walking with a full cup of hot coffee (in my hand), to walk with my eyes straight ahead instead of looking at the coffee; or walking while balancing a book on my head; ballet. It’s something to do with focusing on everything but, what I am holding. It’s about equilibrium.

I feel like I’ve been poured out but there comes a point where you have to stand back from yourself and think — what the good f….k am I doing ?

I feel my life is full of creases and that I need to iron them out before I can go on…