I debated with you about assumptions and then you fell silent. I would write you a scroll, but you’d never understand that these words you throw out into the air that land like splinters in this fragile skin and miss their targets by towns. I agree I can’t read your heart or share your future. What good is it to me for you to dive in to my skin and rake up my past ? Who told you I needed to be saved or I needed to win this war ? why can’t you just leave this chapter alone ?
I always wait with bated breath for your return, immersing myself with sighs and wishing to feel the weight of your heart against my chest so I can sync my heart to yours; with eyes shimmering with tears I keep muttering, “je suis triste, …tu est mon tout…” and I whimper and I whisper and I think you belong in my arms and I know you don’t
Mostly I wander all my life all stuck in my head, or stumbling around the place trying not to collapse under the weight of my heart. I promised myself I won’t feel this way again; I’m quieter, lonelier & trying not to disappear. It’s not that I’ve nothing to say. Au contraire, I’ve everything to say. The problem lies with the how. Sometimes I don’t know where to start. Sometimes I’m scared of starting, ‘cause I don’t know where it will end. I’m afraid of endings. I’m afraid of beginnings.
Why I always misunderstand you is beyond my comprehension. So, you smiled & I was deliriously happy, dreaming of a delicious future. But, alas as usual I’m mistaken. I don’t know what happened to me but now I don’t exist. There’s you & there’s me and there’re the stars that we both look at but there is not an us. Not that us ever really existed, but I must admit it was so lovely to hold on the tip of my tongue and so pleasant to think of I just pretended it did.
I will continue to paint you with my words when I’m not with you so I don’t miss you that much.
All you need to know is that I am here waiting for you, and I know you are not coming.