I was quite chatty with God on train, while coming home on Friday evening. I am excited with all these plans I’ve been charting out and I’ve been sharing them with God and I am immensely excited. Actually Friday evenings get me into that blissful mood as I know I’ll be entering Sabbath with God and with my fellow believers and I’ll be at great peace.

I was thinking about how life is and how many different tangents one can take and then confront the consequences. I am thinking one tangent could be husband, kids and white picket fenced house (relevant note: I hate white picket fences and I don’t understand why people often describe this as their ideal home); one could be a brilliant professor; one could be a famous poetess; one could be humanitarian and go work in Africa or South America.

I am thinking of having a pack of lovers with queer and unpronounceable names and with offbeat professions; may be with long hair and with specks of paint stuck in them; I definitely don’t want bearded ones… speaking of paint, Friday, my friend and I were in the common area of our work and we were mesmerized with this graphic designer doing a caricature of another one of our colleagues and it’s a beautiful thing to watch… I would often get in the elevator with him while going home, and we smile hello and I thought he works for another company in our building and one time I was in the mail room and he walked in and I was like oh you work here as well and I was visibly confused…. I watched his slender fingers, holding a pencil very delicately, fingers dancing all over the white paper and I just so much wanted to be that pencil and let him dance me all over the white paper floor…. He said he does paint with oil paints and I probably would beg him next time to let me sit for him and let him do a portrait of me…

Speaking of painting me, there’s this guy at the gym who dabbles in oil paints as well and he keeps asking me to sit for him but I think he wants to date me or something and I have decided I don’t want to date him, as he sweats a lot (eww) and he is hairy (body) and he has a beard. But he is very intelligent though as he works for NASA or aeronautics or something to do with planes which I forget and he can hold a conversation with me.

Also at the gym, there is this boy who always tells me “gurl, you so sassy” and naturally I already love him…. For that matter there are a few guys who preen and parade in front of me and yes, they caught my eye, they are cute, no body hair, no great sweating, but they are all Neanderthals and I don’t think I would have a great conversation with substance with them as I don’t think they read books at all and I have no respect for anyone who doesn’t read and I refuse to discuss Taylor Swift with them. For post coital purposes, my other choices would be, I can just study their tattoos instead of a conversation or take up smoking and currently I’ve filed these boys away for really desperate times, you know like break glass in case of emergency situations ….. 🙂

I’m thinking if I ever go on a dating website (not happening) I’m gonna say submit me your resume along with the current book you are reading and the last book you read ! haven’t decided if I should ask for application fee which may go towards idk for a cat sanctuary or something along those lines or even Shanthi relief fund.

I am in love with Vincent Van Gogh… I actually have a list of men I am deeply and passionately in love with and I would marry them all if they were alive.. according to my boy who doesn’t exist anymore, it was a good thing otherwise he would have been part of a polyandry… I would have married, DH Lawrence, Sartre, Camus, Van Gogh, Pablo Naruda, and some French poets… I personally am quite attracted Frenchmen, as I think they are the best lovers (both my boys were French) and so so romantic.

At church today after lunch, I was sitting in the pew waiting for the youth service to start, and all these young girls came and hugged me and some were actually hanging off of my neck and I just love it when they do these things. One day I was in the kitchen preparing the Sabbath lunch and we keep the kitchen door closed and this young girl came in. Another lady scolded her saying she needs to be up in the sanctuary as the worship service is in progress and not run around the church. The young girl said, “I only came in to give a hug to Ms. Shanthi as I didn’t see her in the sanctuary” and she came to me and hugged me tightly and went away… these are moments I cherish so much when my heart melts and my eyes tear up…. These are the moments I remember to warm up to when the cruel world freezes me out. I very very badly want to be a mum and I’m still waiting on God to answer me on that front ! I’ve been asking Him if it’s ok for me to get pregnant via ivf. And yes of course, I want a sweet little girl who would be as intelligent, as beautiful and as strong as her mother.

The other day a guy was telling me that one lady was leaving work as her husband found a good job somewhere else and it was her duty to follow her husband…. And it just rubbed me the wrong way. idc if a woman chooses to do that but I don’t want to hear someone saying, it’s a woman’s place or duty to follow or do as a man says and that it is in the Bible… For all those people I want to say, when God made a man and woman He called them ADAM and He didn’t discriminate and our brilliant ancestor Mr. Adam called his wife, Eve… “Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created” Genesis 5:2

Needless to say, feminist Shanthi stood her ground and debated and stomped her feet…For me feminism is having a choice and having equal rights. And oh yes, I know all about all those verses where it appears that God has said so that a woman belongs in the kitchen and to those people I’d say I don’t think so. Also I’ve a killer rant brewing in my brain on feminism and anti-rape culture like a silent storm and I can’t contain myself and all these words churn and churn and one day I’ll vomit them on to my blog.

At church, our church 70+ year old panamanian caretaker/deacon always brings me something to eat for lunch as he thinks I never cook (true) and he keeps things for me and he tells me I deserve to be taken care of. I just love him for his thoughtfulness and care. I always make sure before I leave church to hug him good night and he tells me “don’t speed” !

After I got home and Sabbath was done, I went out to Thai takeaway place to get some dinner and I was waiting in line to order and there is this businessman in front of me and he was trying to explain what paper, scissors rock was to the Asian man serving him so I just jumped in and I played paper scissors rock with the businessman and won and the business man bought my dinner and the Asian man was laughing his head off and ended up giving me another dish for free and ugh people are amazing aren’t they, it was just a tiny thing but it made my day and humanity can be really great sometimes when you least expect it to be.

I tend to give my life away in bits and pieces for you all to sew me up and make me into a story. It’s a process and this is the only way I can learn to relove myself and its gonna take lots of shanthi time… I’m thinking anyone can fall in love with a story when one reads it….

Bonne Nuit, blog !!