……. Franz Kafka – from The Diaries of Franz Kafka, 1910-1923
Hey Hi Hello Fall !
I’m trying to figure out why summer scares me… all those green trees, cicadas, long long days and of course, humidity… Tempest hair from all this humidity & stained heart from the coffee I drink to warm my blood up as I’m cold blooded trying to match the cooling memories of my love. I will try and melt his memories with the warm rains of early September as before, but I think they only will add hues & burn and set them deep. I’ll try and fade to match the coming winter, pressing my back against the wall, breathing in & out & try and blend into the concrete. I want to forget my dreams, & thoughts of him which fill up the spaces between seconds. Its going to be difficult to say goodbye.
Fall is in the air (I’ve tightly crossed my fingers and closed my eyes) and I am looking forward to the Autumn…. September and October and November, you may go as slowly as you want…. Sweater weather is falling upon the city and I’ll soon trade my lighter clothes to the heavy sweaters to cocoon myself and hide and hibernate…
I love this smell of change in the air, the very cup of coffee in the morning and the feeling of grass on my bare feet. Autumn nights also mean that smell of wood fires on a cold night, and I love the feeling when I finally slip in to my bed after a long long day. I like the smell of pine cones and being enveloped by a warm blanket on a cold night. I love the way the clouds billow and the deep crimson of fallen autumn leaves that crunch when I walk on them.
And the instrumentals, that make me ache so much that I just have to cry to release my appreciation for all that beauty as sometimes tears become liquid words and speak where words fail. I love the cool cool air of Autumn which seems to whisper “I am coming, I am coming”.
And I love the taste of coffee and warm buttered bread when it’s raining outside. I love the way the trees blush as though orgasming to the seasons, first yellow, then gold, then luscious crimson. And the way it all builds to a climax and slowly dies down, and the leaves fall to the crisp earth one by one by one in silence, like a silent orchestra and as a symphony.
I’ve fond memories of you; I’ve tucked these memories of you in my every cell to keep me alive and not feel so dead; I warm up to your memories and I remember bonfires and drinking tea from a tea cup and falling over everyone and dancing with you and smelling your cigarettes and beautiful stories and vanilla flavoured cigars and collecting fall leaves and my electric blue dress and stumbling and talking trash and laughing with you and holding your hands and tracing your spinal cord and nibbling your lower lip & singing whatever and sway to your guitar notes and forgetting about everything.
And oh how I loved to dance with you and I loved to move in the rhythm of you.. I’d rather not say hello to you but you keep tugging at my heart’s skin, bringing up what I’d rather have forgotten. I can’t stop scratching these scars you left turning me upside down. I’d rather be under this spell of no return, knowing that there’s no winning here; I always lose myself in you and I’d rather lose myself in you and I’m lost in you.
And I love the way steam rises from my body when I shower and I think of you & I love the reassurance of your acoustic guitar (Julien)