girl-hugging-jesus

I keep thinking of this picture today while drinking in my tears and I just want to hug Jesus and cry and cry and I need a soft heart to lean on….. I have been a lonely kitten lately…. Too much hurt and too much pain. Good news is I am used to it.

Today the rain fell like torpedoes and I was caught without an umbrella; I collected rain in my pockets and in my cleavage and for a time I thought I even collected them in my eyes, but then I realized it were my tears as there was warmth in these puddles… I see in my reflection how many ways a soul can get bruised;

Tonight my soul is at its deepest and most painful. Its like a sensation of great spiritual anguish; like a dull ache of my soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. Nostalgia, love-sickness. Or is it just ennui?

Poetic, lonely insomniac with sad amounts of time to scribble. My writings are sad; my writings are pathetic; my writings stand to testify that I have no life. I’m the nightmare you thought you’d grown out of. I often feel like a ghost in a town of neon lights, like I’ve evaporated, like I’m the smoke of a cigarette, like you’ve forgotten that I exist I want to explain how exhausted I’m, even in my dreams. How I wake up tired ! How I’m being drowned by some kind of black wave.

I overthink things which shouldn’t be overthought…

It’s a lonely city to be sad in as there are no trees in spite of it being a jungle; it’s jungle of concrete and I need mossy place to land on; some soft scent of wood chip; I’m trying to articulate myself because I am alone and I don’t know who to reach out to and who I’m allowed to ask to hold me.  I visited a book store and stole and ate some poetry. My sadness is an ocean.

Thought of going to church but instead sat on the pavement in front of my gym and had a full conversation with God and I stuttered out apologies and I love you’s. and I keep clearing my throat to drain the water from my lungs and my hands were shaking. I can’t cry because I haven’t figured out how to breathe. I am trying so hard to stay okay. I don’t want to cry. I just need to leave this city. I just need to figure out to who I should dedicate my words. It will be hard to say goodbye.

This is an accumulation of my mind. I’m not saying anything anymore. There are no words for how I’m supposed to be feeling. I just want to drive around with my eyes closed until there’s nowhere to go anymore

Lord, You hear my every sigh ! Psalms 38:9

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