Hi, I’m exhausted… Today I was totally foggy. On account my boy Sonu woke me up at 2:30 a.m. again and after bringing him into my arms where he slept, I couldn’t go back to sleep and I gave up on sleeping. So I had an early morning breakfast, in fact we all did like around 3:30 a.m. I sat out watching the moon, the sky and wondering if God was looking at me as well. The moon was bright and it’s probably almost full moon or closer to being full moon. I made a cup of coffee and talked to my cats about, the longing, the physical longing of someone to talk to, to get a cup of coffee with and sit and talk about how beautiful love is and how beautiful it is to be living in this time is just wonderful.
Hope is beautiful. Someone to give me hope is wonderful. The boy I like is beautiful and wonderful.
I always have times when there’s that feeling of loneliness. The tangible loneliness and in a city. But the city which doesn’t know my name. Doesn’t know me. Sitting in at your desk, walking down the street, accidentally having conversations with strangers, wanting to cry at the old men begging for money, wanting to hug the little children who look so malnourished & ignored. But more than that, there is this want. Wanting, so badly, to hold someone and let them have enough faith in you that they would just sink in you without even thinking about coming up for air.
And then suddenly to have it all turn over quietly. Being with this boy. Or to watch a play and hear music and watch ballet dancers and to fall in love with a voice, with a song, to realize once more why you are here in the first place; to fall back in love with the faith that you once had, the beautiful and intangible feeling of belonging to someone, the companionship of everyone having had felt this way before me, and knowing that so many will feel the same way after I am long gone, the warmth that I felt.
I forget sometimes, how good it feels to feel. To really feel !
The other night when I was talking to the boy I like and he kept saying to me “you are funny” and “I’m allergic to cats” and walking home afterwards with him besides me, in step with me, talking about dancing & how he can’t dance, and I couldn’t stop smiling. I thought of a poem that the boy who doesn’t exist anymore read me so many years ago, how I laughed at the first line, how he told me very severely to stop because it was a serious poem, and I laughed again, this time quietly to myself. I thought of how the simplest moments can become the most beautiful.
Walking to my train stop I smiled, and I smiled, at the couples walking past, the quiet girl in short skirt walking alone, she too smiling to herself. We looked up and we both just laughed. In the train, a French couple were talking about not finding hachiya persimmon fruits and kissed in the aisle of the train while holding hands with matching wedding bands, and I loved them so much for being there.
There is a reason why I always loved these moments the most. I hated the city before as it reminded me of the boys who don’t exist anymore but now, I have faith because of this boy. Faith in the city. Jack says because I am so loving, love always finds me and protects me. I love my friends, though very small in number, they were always very faithful and loving to me, even protective. I miss some of my friends who have moved far away and I miss the boys who don’t exist anymore. But I miss my parents the most.