This evening I was out and had dinner with some friends and it was fun, it was amazing to know them in a different setting and to laugh with them and share my very stubborn opinions. I think they have been rather nice to put up with my opinions (even if I think I am right), I kept wanting to not get drawn into an argument or debate, but Shanthi can’t keep her mouth shut as she always has this need to correct… sigh ! The important thing I learnt is, this guy I knew for a while now and I think he is really nice and tonight I found out another facet of him and my heart melted as he was talking about his wife and some things they had to go through. I just love to hear stories like that, especially stories of love.
I may have to mention here, my friend (or rather friend of the boy who doesn’t exist anymore) Eric. When the boy was dying he told Eric to take care of me and Eric loved his friend so much, he is still waiting to get married to me to take care of me and it has been like 15 years !! in the meantime, I did try to move on and I hoped he would too but we both are stuck in our own personal hell and there’s no way out. I think it’s Proust who talks about love is like something one could talk about objectively without wanting to kiss everyone who talked about chagrins and personal pangs.
I also shared a lot of laughs with the boy I like and ta da !!, I am as confused as ever. This boy is magic and he switches off my sadness and brings in all kinds of unicorns riding on rainbows… I want to seriously pull my hair out !! WTF… what am I to even wanting out of this or out of him ? I am severely handicapped in this instance, where I am already lost without even telling him. I can’t tell him and as telling him would ruin my friendship. When I am with him, I have this bubble over us where nobody else exists and I am hungry to have his attention and my eyes sparkle and I hang on to his words… I need a heartectomy when I am with him (cardiectomy is not the right word.. I checked) or perhaps a lobotomy !
All I want to say to him when I am with him is “Tell me a story, share a secret, give me your opinion, say some cruel words, spill your guts, allow honesty to take over for a moment; tell me you feel this as well and that I’m not alone in this”. But I do sew my lips shut.
I’ve been living in a perpetual state of numbness as my defense mechanism is pushing everything down in a dark corner inside in me. I don’t fall for ideas or intangibles as much as I fall for moments and memories and glimpses of a past that moved me then. I’m always in a constant search to return to that moment, to that feeling, and trying to create and the fact that it’s so difficult to recreate something so unique is an awful human condition.
I think I’m much more perceptive than many people but I can’t vocalize the words properly but I can only write them in journal entries on how the sky is a shade dimmer when I leave him. I want to be happy and everyone wants to be happy and we are all seeking to be happy. Did I tell you I forgot to be happy ? I sometimes desperately want someone to rip my heart or my brain open and pour in some happiness. If it is possible, I would take courses on being happy or go and learn the mechanisms of the happiness. All I know is how to write. I hold on to my thoughts and words I want to utter and paint them on to my blog… Will my words even linger ?
Maybe I should erase all this knowledge I gathered by reading books. Would that be enough ? I want to change worlds and change minds but I am not enough of a person to do so. I feel so human and so not human at the same time. I can blame my duality on life’s circumstances that keep the mental block so prevalent in my mind to protect myself from myself, but I can also palm the possibility that I will never reach the level of brilliance that I want to obtain. Even though I love being book smart, I would trade it to be someone who can understand human interactions and emotions and learn to let go and just be happy and be blissfully ignorant and happy like a child. I want to open up like a child while being myself. I think it’s about time.