I’m three ounces of sassiness…..

That’s me getting ready for a party Saturday (last) night and you can clearly see the enthusiasm in my face….. I also was irritated because it was super humid and I’m having a crisis with my eyebrows…. I’ve been letting my beautician clean up my eyebrows and she likes thin ones and in spite of my protests, she made mine super thin & now I’m letting my eyebrows grow and I am discovering that eyebrow hairs grow slowly and every hair has its own pace and so I am slowly looking like Frieda Kahlo but I love her poems, so that’s okay………

Last night I saw car with a sticker on its rear which said Picard, Riker 2016 and I took a photo and laughed heartily.  Picard is my the favorite of all Star Trek captains…and I am a huge sci-fi nerd and for whatever reason I’m not that into Star Wars but I watch them because I am a nerd. After getting home I tried hard but I couldn’t sleep. My brain and body were dead tired. I can’t read because that only aides in not sleeping. I envy the people who fall asleep at the drop of a hat and then there’s me who tosses and turns and goes into a 1001 positions and invoke the names of all the sleep potions, name the sheep and make multiple sacrifices to the sleep gods..  so I watched movies… one is a sweet little indian movie called “Dhanak” and a Woody Allen movie “the curse of the jade scorpion”. I was laughing out so loud and it’s like the wee hours of the morning but I didn’t care as they are super funny… I’m into Woody Allen movies because of the cleverness of the writers and the dialogue delivery…..

My last day of Summer was spent eating the best pancakes in the city with some lovely ladies, spending far too long messing around with nail polish colors in an effort to act more like a girl, giggling over Fetty Wap lyrics. In those lyrics I kept hearing “I got this soda” and for a long time I got confused about this “soda” and how it fits in the grand scheme of this whole song and so I looked up the lyrics and since then I haven’t stopped giggling to this song whenever I hear it… it turns out he was saying “I got this sewed up”  and I still sing “I got this soda”. :/

My boy Sonu is quite clever. Sonu developed asthma to this hot humid weather (with him now I have 5 kids plus me, whose asthma gets triggered with humidity. The first time he came in with open mouth breathing, I immediately gave him albuterol and to lessen his anxiety (because of not being able to get oxygen) I took him up in my arms and stood in front of a floor fan to cool him down while talking to him gently. Well he is a teenager & so he didn’t want cuddles from his mama and because of that I stacked two plastic storage boxes, so I can put him on top of the second box and hold him so the fan can cool him down… so now whenever he feels he is short of breath because of the humidity & asthma, he goes to the boxes and sits there till he calms himself down and this makes me smile so much because he connected why I have done this and he is taking care of his asthmatic problem all by himself like his mum taught him…

Cats are my happiness but within that circle, the best moment of happiness for me is watching my baby eating his/her dinner after recovering from sickness. My heart swells up so much and it gets stuck in my throat and my eyes mist up and it’s joy in its purest form and one could die of an overdose. Animals stop eating when they are not well. Recently my boy Cuddles had a major scare and I was frozen with panic. I’ve noticed that he wasn’t eating. I usually wait a couple of days for my kids to get better before I take them to the vet, as trips to vet = stress for shanthi and her babies; I take their temp and if they have fever, I start them on antibiotics (I have a supply from my vet). But Cuddles was asymptomatic and I was force feeding him to avoid organs failing and giving him antibiotics, took him to the vet & nothing came out of it & one Sunday morning he turned yellow. Yellow cat means severely sick cat (jaundice) & so I took him and ran to the emergency vet and before I went there, I gave him a sniff test from my oldest daughter Tickles. If she sniffs and hisses, that means the patient cat is terminally ill. So the cat Tickles sniffed Cuddles and she didn’t hiss and so I was relieved but anxious anyway for his well being. The emergency vet said probably this cat got cancer and may be dying. I told him I don’t think my baby has cancer because I’d know how a terminally ill cancer patient looks like as I am a scientist, and I also told him about the sniff test (to which the vet laughed) and that Tickles didn’t think Cuddles is terminal. So we did emergency ultra sound and it turned out to be an infection manageable with long term antibiotics, etc. and no cancer, terminal or otherwise.

Last night I dreamt of the boy who doesn’t exist anymore, and I rarely dream and so when I dream it’s really something. I was doing a poetry reading at 3 a.m. sitting on a park bench with a lit candle in my palm and I was trying not to cry as the morning is spreading over the sky, because I knew with the morning my boy would be gone and then he kissed the top of my head as he always did and whispered “Things will be better tomorrow, I promise”. And I smiled brightly and blew out my candle. I remember vividly the way my boy smelled in my dream and I woke up saying I love you so much and burst into tears.

I’m fidgeting with my feelings and I don’t have enough heart in me to give. I ran five miles and got nowhere. Once upon a time I promised the boy I loved and who doesn’t exist anymore, that we would create a world where no one could find us. That I would hide us somewhere. But everything changed. Plates shift. Even these brick buildings will have to fall one day and after all, my dreams were made with gossamer and they didn’t stand a chance. By the end of my run, I wasn’t even tired; I was just a little bit sadder.