I’ve been busy lately trying to become a new person, to become some one I once knew but kind of lost touch. Why do I f#%ing oscillate between extremes and never find peace in between ? All my memories are f#$ing painful bruises. Spending my free time discovering ways of shaking that pain brought on by the truth. Fate is mocking me. Oh what I would give to go back to innocence and simplicity and purity. My life is coming apart, and I miss the control.
I was at the gym as usual tonight and I went late as I had run and take care of some chores and around 9:30 p.m. or so the entire gym was empty except for a teenage girl (whose father and his friend kind of adopted me since that rude trainer episode) and we usually chat and laugh and tonight when we were resting in between lifting weights a hip hop song came on (I think it’s will smith) and yes, my gym is boring as its a family gym and so all the songs are pg 13 and this girl and me started hip hoping to the song and kept dancing and giggling till we were exhausted and collapsed on the floor trying to catch our breaths and still giggling. It was wonderful to just dance with abandonment and Lord, I so need to go clubbing … I usually do break into dances when the gym is quite empty and when I am by myself and I also usually draw a crowd at the entrance peering into the gym while I dance; but dancing with someone else is fun. The girl then said to me “I quite admire you, you know” and I was taken aback and was like “why?” and she is like “I dunno. I just do. You are different”…. My response is but I’m a bit flattered tbh and I feel young.
Time is such a broken mechanism and age, ugh…. Age, such a futile and useless method of calculating how one person can be more human than another. And wise !! what f@#k is that ? All my life I heard people say, he or she is wise simply because they are older. Really…? Does being old bring wisdom ? perhaps and may be not as well. They certainly bring experiences, but if one doesn’t learn anything from their experiences, what good is that ? No and nope… I refuse to believe being old means one is wise… If that equation is true then I am ancient because I am wise… deal with that !
I often visit and am invited to poetry recitals (to recite my poems)… my goal is to become a spoken word poet…I would like to find words to a poem that sounds like a prayer and I want to tell the whole world all I know about a world no one has figured out yet. Like why some people look to constellations a million billion miles away for a sign of life when there is life all around us and like why some people wonder if we ever become and evolve into something more than human instead of figuring out what it means to be human…
I’m living in a city where simultaneously everything is wonderful and unbelievably lonely and every night I come home with swollen ankles and swollen eyes and swollen heart… I’m forgetting the languages I know and I’m becoming someone I didn’t know I would become; I became someone I didn’t know and someone no one could love unless they get close enough to see the secrets I’ve embosssed elaborately on the skin of my heart; but no one has patience to cross the barbed wires which I carefully built with the scars of my heart aches with razor sharp jagged edges; I sit in church and pray because I don’t know where else to turn to when everything and this world sits on the nape of my neck pushing my head down into a barrel of water and I learned to breathe under the water without gills, to find God and to find a prayer. May be I should get a window at the nape of my neck so I can get some light in to aide my quest.
I haven’t had time to study what I became in the past few years and I didn’t have time to recuperate and I’m sitting here alone on my bed, warming to the glow of my computer and writing about someone who looks like me but isn’t and I am still thinking everything will be okay. I’m thinking about the city with all of its neon lights, urine stained subways, and human beings only God could love; and yet and oh I’m glad there is a yet, in this crowded city amongst all these with cynics and jaded hearts where romantics like me are a dying race, there are still some people who understand that to live a beautiful life you have to create beautiful things; may be touch the people around you; take down the bricks which we build one at a time; to understand that even pickpockets can’t take certain things from you like it’s okay to walk down the streets with your heart in your mouth speaking words or at the edges of your finger tips holding a pen and scribbling words.
I wonder and ponder, why do we have so many problems when we are so insignificant. again I would like to iterate and reiterate that humanity was a mistake… May be I’ll blame this on not drinking enough water…. Or may be I’ll blame this on Mercury being in retrograde and the fact I haven’t seen the moon all week. All I know is I only want to remember the moons I have seen when I was with you (Julien).
Good night Blog