I want to buy a lace corset, wear thigh high stockings and walk or dance around the house in high heels with music blaring on. You can’t be sad when you are in a lace corset.. you just can’t !
Yesterday I was rummaging through all my loose change looking for a public transit token, as I didn’t want to get out of the house to go and buy tokens. I came across this silly little grocery list my boy has put together for shopping and I remember that list and it brought back so many memories and I was taken by the flood. I am still trying to figure out what I would do with all these memories. I have left my life untouched and have his cereals, drinks, water bottles for the past 2 ½ years; I just can’t bring myself to throw them out.
Spent last night curled up on a little couch in the darkness. The door was open to let the cool autumn (?) air in. I kept playing all the saddest songs and some billy joel I could think of, getting quiet to hear the lyrics, and trying very hard not to cry. It is painstakingly hard to deal with loss, the inability to hold onto things I want to keep close….. I thought I could defeat the plague of loneliness that I’ve been battling for some time. It is even harder analyzing the process of grieving, how it lingers quietly and slips out unexpectedly. How it ebbs and flows and manifests in strange shapes. How it is always unfair, always full of apologies, always tugging at the heart’s skin.
This morning after I took a shower, my boy Minnu came up to me and so I held him close to my skin and it was just heaven. My body is still cool from the shower and my boy was so warm and soft (almost sang soft kitty, warm kitty) and wow… and I took some selfies with him nestling against my naked body.
On my way to work, I read a little story about this Penguin named Dindim who was once covered in oil and was saved by a man and how this little penguin kept traveling about 8000 km for the past few years to visit his rescuer and how he wags his tail to show his appreciation to his savior and this story made my heart full and happy. How grateful that little bird is and how lucky that man is to find such trust and love !
At work, when I logged into my computer, the first thing I see is that the girl I am slowly making friends with (she likes me for whatever reason) sent me an email with “good news” as subject and the body of the email said that there are sweet pastries and so come get it and I laughed out so loud and kept laughing all day long, as the email just seemed so funny to me and tickled me to death…
There’s this other girl at work and she isn’t fake either, and she greets me “how are you beautiful mama” and “gorgeous mama” etc and one day she and I met like 6 or 8 times and all those times she said “beautiful” and after two times of saying “thank you”, I became silent and uncomfortable and not sure what to say. If a man says to me “you are beautiful”, my usual response is “yes, I know” but idk what to say to a woman who genuinely compliments you. And no she is definitely not a lesbian.
It was also kind of a weird day in that I giggled with the boy I like and who brightens my day a little and I am pretty sure he has no clue that I like him and I was telling him about something and he kept saying that if I have something to say to him I should and that he doesn’t get cryptic messages…I kept thinking “don’t I know it”. I pause whenever the words “I like you” want to spill over and so I tied up my tongue tightly as there’s no point in telling him anything as I can offer him nothing but confusion and sadness and I’m afraid my sadness may be infectious. I don’t even know why I care for this boy and I shouldn’t. But sadly the heart wants what it wants and my heart was full and my laugh was merry and full of happiness.
Its moments like these when so much emotion gets stuck behind your skin but you can’t find the right words to let it out & so it just pushes on your bones & on your stomach & on the back of your eyelids, & you don’t know what to do except to gulp down your emotions and bite into your lips and to try and consume as much oxygen as possible, in hopes that it dilutes the chaos into a more manageable mix of blood and salty tears.
I feel like a bird with clipped wings. I can’t leave and I can’t stay. I don’t want much. I just don’t want to feel this fragile. Just want a little comfort. Someone to hold me and put their arms around and let me lean against their chest. I don’t want to feel empty or numb. I just want to feel whole and I don’t want to feel foreign when I walk into a room. I just want a heart to put my love in.
I feel that some days my universe is full of bright stage lights illuminating the shadows where I hide; rivers of coffee; and of hope and of passion and of music and of operas; and of sleepless nights and sad songs and of essays on the importance of being tenacious; and some days its full of miyazaki movies and lavender honey ice creams; and of poems of Lord Byron, or of being Emma Bovary and of double crossed legs in short skirts; and its pretty awesome and swell and dreamy and it makes it all the same and makes it all the dazzling and different.