First things first. God is good and He is always good. He will see me through no matter what else is going on. I wanted to title this as “À la recherche du temps perdu (Marcel Proust)” but decided I will save the title for something else when I write stuff about the boys who don’t exist anymore.

Today’s been a wonderful day. The sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky, and it was perfectly warm – not too hot, a bit humid but just right for me ! The day was evidently filled with joy and laughter (being numb helps), but more importantly I was filled with an overwhelming sense of hope and delight from the Lord. And today at work my friends surprised me with lovely yellow roses…they are just beautiful.

I woke up last Sabbath morning with my brain happily singing “how great thou art” hymn which was one of my favorite songs, and I was croaking the song loudly (as my voice was hoarse with all the crying) and my cats came up to me thinking that I was crying again, which was a cue for me to stop singing. For me, this song speaks of undeniable hope amidst the hardships of life.

Somedays I feel like I desperately want to get hold of the hem or a loose string on the hem of Jesus’ cloak and I just want to heal from all these bleeding memories. I’m bleeding memories caught on the jagged, jutting edges of my dreams.

I’ve been carrying around a battered suitcase since I was a child packed up with all the broken pieces of my dreams. It’s like I’m being made of broken pieces of glass. My reflection is a kaleidoscope. I don’t know what you see when you look at me

I folded myself into many layers to fit into my suitcase. I dreamt these while I hid in the mango tree during my summer holidays, in the spaces between reading books. Basking in the warmth of the golden sun, I painted them with my innocence and my optimism. So many dreams, so much potential. They have faded into colorless chaos with my many tears I shed. Many many nights of tears, and so many days of camouflage and hiding behind layers of foundation, painted lips and neatly applied eye liner. Now a days, my tear laced eyes sparkle brighter than the stars. I’m trying hard to stitch myself together. But, I’m still leaking my soul at these stitches. Leaving is sad. Goodbyes are sad. Why am I the one always saying goodbyes ?

The reality is that with Christ, we always have peace; even though I always feel that I am in a never ending night of tempest and I can’t find the shore or anything to land on, but strangely enough the bubble I am in is always carrying me gently and with lots of care and nothing is touching me and I am safe and in the subconsciously and in the deepest recesses of my mind, I know that Christ’s love will always find a way to keep me safe and He gives me hope. “From the beginning of sin Christ was with His people to dispute the authority of Satan, for He saw that the conflict must be carried on here in the earth. Satan withstood the Son of God in every effort to redeem His people. Enshrouded in the pillar of cloud by day and in the pillar of fire by night, Christ directed, guided, counseled the children of Israel in their journeyings from Egypt to Canaan”. Ellen G White, Christ Triumphant, page 108

Mrs. White explains beautifully how God cared for His people by becoming a pillar of cloud and a pillar of fire to watch over them. I often have this picture in my mind that Christ is my pillar of cloud and my pillar of fire and no matter where I am going He goes before me. His love flowing through me, has the power to change me and my relationships, my friends and my interactions with the world around me. Someone said that most of the unbelievers read us Christians and not the Bible and if I could guide one unbeliever back to Christ by my example I’d die happy. But I’ve a long ways to go and I need to learn a lot.

Christ already did the hard work. He died for us and He won the battle for us and He took the sting out of the second death. All we need to do is latch on to that hope and not let go. But it is hard when life tosses you around and batters you on the jutting rocks.

“I am the LORD, your Holy One, the creator of Israel, your King. Thus saith the LORD, which maketh a way in the sea, and a path in the mighty waters; Which bringeth forth the chariot and horse, the army and the power; they shall lie down together, they shall not rise: they are extinct, they are quenched as tow. Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert”. Isaiah 43: 15-19

He continues to remind me that He is in control and that He still is on His throne. And that He will heal me.

“Thus saith the LORD, the God of David ……, I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee” 2 kings 20:5

I keep telling my God that I want to go out at night and lie down in a dark field under the night sky and I want to look at the stars until everything goes blur and I want to feel wind on my face and dewdrops on my fingertips and blades of grass pressing between my toes. And I want to watch the awakening of the day, when sun slowly stretches out yawning and watch the light brushes off the stars from the sky and extinguishes the night.  I want to watch the sunlight spill onto the horizon and drench the earth in golden light. More than that, I want not feel this empty and I want to feel as if I belong. May be, just may be not feel this dead.

And He answers: “I have made (thee), and I will bear (thee); even I will carry, and will deliver you. Isaiah 46:4