This Sabbath I muted my phone and left it on kitchen counter; all the phone calls & texts went unanswered. I haven’t had much sleep since friday evening and I drifted in and out of sleep and even though I haven’t been to church so as to avoid people, I did my Sabbath devotional and I’ve sorted that one with God so I’m good. When I’m in my “normal” mood I’m borderlining antisocial and when something painful happens I’m in a full blown antisocial mode. If I had a tree, I’d climb and sit in it and alas I didn’t and so I locked myself in the bedroom and this is important because I live alone; I’m definitely a functioning misanthrope and I’m comfortable with a handful of people as we understand each other and we tend to sit in silence and occasionally talk energetically about stuff which is important to us like cats, books, coffee, and weird stuff which only happens to us. We would always be cat people and even if we like and care for other animals, we would firmly be in cats corner.
I don’t have social anxieties per se, and people do confuse me with an extrovert but I maintain two personalities one to showcase the society and the other is me, an albatross on a pole in the middle of an ocean (and my brain is singing “I’m an albatraoz” song & pardon me as I can’t link it due to the nature of the song :P), and I don’t hate people but I’m definitely bored to tears by them. I avoid them because I am bored and when I am in social settings, I observe them and I write about them and I give titles like “the peculiar eating habits of a human adult male” and this one was after I spent watching a guy eating his hamburger while driving his car and he was behind my car and we were stopped at a red light and I observed him in my rear view mirror the way he was biting into his burger and chomping and eating it with such anger as if somebody made him do that. I’m fascinated with the conversations they have with each other about simple stuff like, clothes, relationships, jewelry, things etc. but for the life of me, I can’t contribute anything to it. I tend to think in scientific facts and abstracts and philosophical stuff and so when I talk it sounds more like a discourse than a normal conversation with many words and complex sentences which confuse people and they go huh !? poor pups !
For example, I’ve been thinking recently whether God shivers and if I say this to anyone “normal” who isn’t like me, there would be a sudden silence and I’d clear out the room very quickly. Thankfully, I do have people I can count on to give or attempt to give answers to such questions. I’m happy to report I recently made friends at work with a few men/women who think along these weird lines and we gather at coffee station and while making elaborate “specialty” coffees we giggle merrily and I’m growing fond of these times. I think we come under the label, geeks or nerds and I was told what the difference was between these two terms but I can’t remember now.
For all this weirdness in me, one would think people would avoid me by a mile, but surprise surpise, they seek me out. Every day I get invitations to do “stuff” or attend “parties” and I feel awful to say no but I have no choice as I would rather hit myself with hammer on my toes or if I have to go to make an appearance because of social norms or customs I take a book with me and I secretly read it in bathrooms or empty rooms as if I were doing drugs.
I’ve been thinking about the tapestry of our lives and I’m not turning life into a metaphor or anything, but I’m pulling at the threads of simplest life things which are curiously the sturdiest, as I’m surprised to find out, and these are also the quietest strings of humanity. These are the things in a person’s life and they pull in so many others; often forgotten, futile and not really meaningful till one pauses and looks at them carefully and analyze them. For example, I am remembering a cold day in winter when I was in bed kissing and snuggling with my boy but I don’t remember that part that vividly but I do remember how he was dressed; and how cold his lips were as he was just out in the cold to put the trash out as I reminded him, and just threw together some clothes on and he looked ridiculous and hilarious as he had two different colored socks which he wore with his flip flops and a beanie on his head (mine which I bought and when I wore it looked like a Scandinavian gnome) and bedroom shorts and t shirt and a bulky ski sweater; this may be weird but listen, this is how lives interlace and strings tangle and they knot and sometimes they fray at the edges and when you least suspect they break. But they touch at the corners and then there are these details and details and there all these beautiful delicate details.
I think this is why I love to observe human behavior because what they are not holding on to, I’m picking up; I’m picking up these tiniest inconspicuous and unimportant details and I put them in my back pockets full of lint and also keep them locked in my mind. What can be more beautiful than this ? The sun is slowly heating up the room where I’m currently in (aka my bedroom), my hair up with a band, wearing my flimsy nightshirt, my window open, a suggestion of a breeze, my cats stretched out across my legs and one is behind my back almost as an ornamental head wrap, and I’m trying to capture the moment which is currently not very picturesque from a human point of view other than me; but may be this is how God sees it. The world is a still life. Me, within my room with a laptop on my well, lap (duh), am a frame. This may not mean much to you as this is something less ordinary and a string in my life.
May be if you close your eyes, relaxing your body with your hands folded on your lap and your chin held softly towards the blueness of the sky, it can mean something. This is where you can capture me, in my details, my entire body is breathing and my heartbeat is like a background music, I’m slowly stretching away my sleepiness, drinking coffee and I’m here and as before, I’m once again saying goodbye to someone I love and I’m still not good at it. But with every passing of seconds, home seems like such a distant dream.