I got sufficiently trashed tonight on orangey, lemoney, strawberry cake. (I feel guilty for stuffing my face with it, but I couldn’t resist it and I’ll be spending tomorrow night running on treadmill).  I am relaxed and am relaxing and am learning to relax. But my body is tensed up with all this relaxation. It’s a new feeling and I haven’t felt this in a while. While coming home in the train, I had my chin and cheek cupped in my palm gazing out of the window of the train. There are a series of graffiti and I love them all and I read them again and again and again… they are great messages for the people like me who wants to find something to hold on to. A child across my seat was fascinated with my shades, the orangey yellow ones and he didn’t want to leave the train and his mother literally had to drag him out of the train.

I recently told the boy who likes black cars that I trust him. Wanted to ask him do you trust me ? I was afraid of his answer tho so I didn’t ask him. I wanted him to say, “always” but I think he would stay quiet and not reply and give me the perfect pause. You are someone I could love, I wanted to tell him but….. oh well all those unsaid things.. I keep humming and humming and melting and melting and melting to his smile… “do you trust me ?”

The trolley driver yelled at all his passengers today and told them that he won’t take off till his favorite passenger was onboard…. aka me. Some days, God knows why, the trolley gets too packed with people like sardines in a tin and today was also like that and I couldn’t even set foot in it, but I didn’t want to go to another trolley as the driver was making his stand… I let him make room for me and I thought how simply we form relationships… everyday, I get on the same trolley and all I say to him was ‘thank you’ before I depart after 4 stops…. And he thought that’s sufficient to form a friendship.

On Friday, I called 911 as when I was coming home (I take train to trolley and trolley to the stop where I park my car and then get in my car to go home) I saw this really thin athletic black young man with a peculiar expression and I kept looking at him in my rearview mirror and sure enough he doubled down and I couldn’t stop my car as I was in the middle of evening rush hour and even then I can’t help him as it was about 90+ degree hot humid and my car is sans a/c for reasons I listed elsewhere and I have no cold water either… I explained to 911 operator that I think this boy might be running or jogging and he got into trouble; people, you need to check not only the temps, but also humidity and UV index as they can f-up your breathing; or if you must exercise, head to a gym; and I apologized to the operator very profusely saying i could be wrong and so please forgive me and that I would rather look stupid than not help someone who may be in distress. I gave the directions to the approx. location where this boy could be. On that same evening I also fell in love with a cloud and took a lot of photos of the cloud who at first blushed red but then got used to me taking his photos…

I met up with Jack to work out at the gym this evening, but we both decided we would rather eat so we went to a Jamaican restaurant got some plantains, and yams and rice with red beans (jack is also a vegetarian but eats fish) and some tropical drinks which were so sweet but so refreshing and went to a nearby park to eat and gossip.

I lied across a bench while the sun turned me into a deeper hue of shanthi and I found myself for the first time in a long time completely at peace with myself. The whirring in me stopped. There was silence and I couldn’t at first recognize this but it actually was there. It could be weather or the city, something wonderful has happened to my heart…. It’s healing. I can hear the slow and steady stitches humming and exhaling. The weather was mildly humid. No breeze and a gentle stillness. A breathing stillness of the summer as one expected. A taste of summer. All these years were emotionally draining for me and I have been sleep deprived and in fact, everything deprived, numb and constantly on the verge of something… like I want to exhale but there is no breath and dare I say “waiting to exhale” (such a cliché, ugh ! ).

I have been going away from myself in every possible direction. Never at peace with myself. But now life seems to be pulsing and brimming with this calm and it feels like the world is breathing around me and loving me again and I want to tie up all the loose strings which I have been tripping over and I want to let it gather me and heal me.

I want to know about grace and beauty. Does it fall like stars from God’s hands ? All I want is a rooftop to sit on. A hazy summer night for me to skim across the surface. A vessel for my stories, and some quiet company. I’m all out of words to ramble into my boy’s voicemail late nights when I can’t sleep and when I get trapped in my own mind. I’ve been told to write a letter to him, and all I managed so far was an indent and when I open the letter the cursor waits for my command patiently. And I cry into my laptop and I wasn’t crying because I miss him but because I know everything is changing…

And being here like this on the verge of change is excruciatingly painful but I reign in hell so Dante has nothing on me there.

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