i’ve been spending a majority of my evenings in my backyard lately watering my secret garden aka the cat enclosure and i think that’s what summer’s all about sometimes. i’ve scratched at the bug bites and my hair curled up in various configurations from the heavy humid air which doesn’t move the leaves; i keep carrying around a jacket (my infamous yellow one) as i’m sure i’ll catch pneumonia from walking into the chilled house; sometimes i’m still fresh faced, sometimes i’m exhausted; i keep thinking i’m still young and that i need to keep exploring and keep living; i sometimes am brave enough to stay in the garden even after dark when the fireflies come out to illuminate my life; i stay for their fiery dances but i leave when mosquitoes start sucking out what life left in me.

i had hopes for this summer; i thought i’d uncover the hidden parts of this boy i met, and me but i never got around to them; for what i thought i would find in the summer, i don’t know if i am supposed to be saying these things out loud & confess them even to myself.

and Happy Birthday to the boy who held my heart in his hands before he even knew it;  i stopped talking to you before you found out all my secrets. You are important to me & i’d let you kiss me in a bookstore.

Yesterday morning i woke up with this desire to just pack a change of clothes and board a plane to one of the Scandinavian countries. Before my brain could fully get excited i remembered that unfortunately i never made my passport since i became a citizen this year. After slapping myself silly, i made a mental note to right this pronto. Who knows when that desire takes form again in my brain; to go and be invisible in a strange land where no one knows me or speaks my tongue.

This morning on my facebook, i found this message: “J’aurais bien aimé partagé ton beau sourire et tes très beaux cheveux qui font craquer.A bientôt peut-être?” i chuckled and almost wanted to say : “oui,oui, oui” and pourquoi pas ?” anyone who so very deliciously describes me should get a chance with me, yes ? J it roughly translates…. i would like to share your beautiful smile and beautiful hair which drives (one) crazy… see you soon perhaps.. 😉 and oh last year someone proposed to me right on the wall and i had disabled my wall since then. LOL

i’m here tho, i’m in the place i was preparing myself for, a chance to unravel everything from before; i’m learning to be brave like i did in previous summers. i’m writing about things, which created this version of me, molded me and i’m facing the monsters i kept locked in the closets & shoved under the bed; and i’m shouting my secrets to the world softly at first but my voice is getting louder and louder. i’m not sure if i should be sharing them but i feel strangely relaxed to swap these stories. i’m learning what it means to feel so many things at once.

i’m molting my skin, one scale at a time, & i’m emerging fearless.