…….who can be against us ? Romans: 8: 31
God usually finds me crying, huddled on the floor of my bathtub if I were home, or if I were not home, in a cubicle of rest room. I developed this habit of crying in bathrooms as a child, when I was watching the Tale of Two Cities (black & white, 1935 movie), adapted from a book by Charles Dickens. It was a very emotional movie and I couldn’t contain myself and I couldn’t sob in front of my family so I hurried into the bathroom where I could cry in secret and since then I stuck to bathrooms for my crying purposes.
I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how to be happy. I know sadness, I know fear, I know longing and anxiety and despair. I educated myself to learn to live with them and how to find content. I am ok, sort of, not being happy and I never get excited about anything anymore, never look forward to anything. I’ve nothing to look forward to. I’m afraid I’m broken somehow and I’ll never be whole again. All I want is to be happy. And yet, I walk around smiling. I want to feel lighter than air. Everything is so heavy now. It weighs me down and nothing I do can get rid of it. What if I’m always stuck with this empty, horrid, hollow feeling and I never find a way to fill it ? I keep telling my God, that I’m so scared. Make me whole again. Make me happy.
Another year is ending, and I’m all alone. Seasons are changing and I feel I’m glued to the spot and all around me time is just passing me by. I keep apologizing to myself and apologies exhaust me; the word sorry pulls at my insides and nothing is okay. Nothing is ever okay. I keep whispering save me, save me, save me.
In this darkness aka my life, I have blinking bright pockets of happiness shimmering like stars. I’ve no family apart from my cats & God. I do have family of sorts but they all abandoned me a couple of years ago. Not sure if they abandoned me or I abandoned them but the result is the same. I figured if they were not there for me during the worst of my life what good they are really.
When I said I’m completely alone, I am completely alone. My cats are my reason to live since a couple of years now and I would be lying if I said I haven’t contemplated suicide. What did Maupassant say ? suicide is the strength who have none, hope of those who stopped believing and the sublime courage of the vanquished and he said some other stuff also. This is me ! I’m vanquished by life & everything in it.
I’ve had days where I just don’t want to get up and go anywhere or do anything; but I have 20 reasons to get up; 20 reasons to make sure I’m healthy; 20 reasons to return home to; I’ve collected them because nobody wanted them. They were orphaned and destined to be put down and I took them in as I am also an orphan and I understand what it means to have no one in your corner. A couple of cats I rescued were pregnant & gave birth at my home and I didn’t have a heart to separate the kids from their mother.
People often think that I am a very strong person. I am a strong person, not because I am born that way or anything, but because I have no choice. I don’t have the luxury of being vulnerable.
My cats and I understand each other and they run to me whenever I cry and console me. They are my pride and joy and the most expensive things at my home as I have spent thousands of dollars on their surgeries etc. and after finding out the hard way, that expensive furniture and clawed cats are not a good mix, I have very cheap furniture now.
One of my kids, Twiggles, needs her medication twice a day for her diabetes insipidus disorder and I told the vet to fax the script to pharmacy and she promised she would and she forgot. I was a wreck. I checked the medication & only few drops left (desmopressin) and I was in full blown panic mode. I found out she won’t be coming back till next week and I don’t have enough medication and I can’t go to any other vet as they would have rediagnose her, etc. and this is not a common disorder. Actually I diagnosed Twiggles with this disorder after reading a research paper as the vet thought she had ordinary diabetes and I overrode the vet and started her on her medication. I would have been a vet but for the fact that euthanasia is a required course in becoming a vet and I can’t do that as I got no balls to put down any animals.
So I kept praying mercy, mercy Lord and begging God to keep her alive and I was thinking the pharmacy would give her the medication without a script as they are familiar with her & why not because I pay cash as the medication is really expensive as well ($137) for a bottle which lasts 15 days.
That was Monday and I talked to pharmacist and they are not very keen and told me to get a script from some other vet and I know I can’t as I diagnosed her disease and I calculated I have approx. 12 days to keep her alive somehow. While coming home on Monday, on the train, I almost fainted while praying, I realized that I have to leave her in God’s hands as I can’t do anything and no one can do anything and I just must leave her in God’s hands. I passed out again when I was having my family worship as I couldn’t bear the pain.
My brain kept thinking about those three Hebrew boys from the book of Daniel. Daniel is another one of my favorite persons from Bible and his friends are impressive; even though Hananiah, Mishael, Azariah were given very tiny part in the book of Daniel, they were not tiny at all. Daniel has become my favorite book for two reasons: 1. as it ties in with Revelation and these are the two books which are very relevant to our times as Jesus is on the threshold of His return. The prophecy which was shut up in Daniel was opened in Revelation. 2. Jesus mentions the book of Daniel by name. (Matthew 24:15).
There are two books written by C. Mervyn Maxwell titled God Cares: The Message of Daniel for you & your family and God Cares: The Message of Revelation for you and your family which are really nice & you would be blessed to read those.
These boys were the royal princes who were brought as slaves to Babylon by king Nebuchadnezzar. They were teenagers, when Jerusalem was captured & they were marched all the way from Jerusalem to Babylon via a desert which takes them a long time ! They had to walk 500 miles in hot sun and they returned to the home land of Abraham.
The process to change these Hebrews to pagans immediately started. Once they arrived in Babylon, immediately their names were changed to pagan names. Daniel, which means God is my judge to Belteshazzar meaning Bel’s prince. Hanaiah, which means the Lord is gracious, to Shadrach which meant illumined by the sun god Shamash. Mishael which means who is like God, to Meshach “who is Ishtar”, Azariah which means “the Lord is my help” became Abednego, the slave of Nabu.
And these boys were mutilated (made eunuchs) most certainly as it was the custom. But they have balls ! They were raised right to honor God. When they were told to bow down and worship the idol they refused. I mean, I would think if someone threatened to kill me I would bow down and may be worship my God. Who can see my heart ? That’s how my mind would work, but God forbid, I hope not. I hope I would stand up for Him.
These kids put the back bone into so many people like me since their time. Look how boldly they say to the King: “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego, answered and said to the king, O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to delver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.” Daniel 3: 16-18
We have a God who delights in impossibilities – Billy Sunday
“But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
And oh btw, the fourth person in the fiery furnace is none other than our Redeemer and Friend, Jesus Christ.
When I read this verse, I smiled and thought to myself, not this time around and yes, I thought fleetingly may be God would save my kid but I made up my mind, even if He doesn’t it’s ok and that she shouldn’t suffer too much. I would try and stretch her medication as much as I could & then she would be in God’s hands.
But God is marvelous and He let me see how weak I am without Him and then He calmly tells me “…. My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
I almost got run down by phone calls and people’s emails looking for me yesterday to fill the prescription for my kid because my vet remembered and she was frantically calling the pharmacy and the entire pharmacy was trying to reach me, as I have this bad habit of leaving my phone on mute, to tell me that my baby’s medicine is ready !
I rewound the past two days. I often silently wish that pain isn’t part of my vocabulary. The Bible says that “Hope deferred makes the heart sick”. (Proverbs 13:12)
My hope has been dashed on the rocks. I had all my future figured out and a tragedy erases everything. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare and I can’t wake up. I know in this life there will always be pain. More for some and less for others, but its presence will be felt nonetheless. I most certainly can’t run away from it. But good news is, I am trying to establish myself on Christ the Rock and I am certain my pain will end. Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. (Psalm 30:5) That is the hope that every believer in the Lord Jesus Christ has.
We have this great hope. If we hold on a little while longer the Lord will come through for you and me. I may be hanging by a thread right now but is not the Lord’s hand mighty to save (me and you) ? He will never let me be consumed by my pain. He will rescue me and with long life He will satisfy me and show me His Salvation. (Psalms 91:16)