About five years ago, I was getting ready to start up my own company and well, my plans got stopped and I thought, well it’s not my fault as it was out of my control. I waited for the dust to settle, so to speak and when the opportunity presented itself again last year for me to buy into a business, I had everything ready to go. And why not ? I’m on my own, I make very quick decisions & I AM in control. Believe it when I say this, I’m very efficient. I strategized and I worked out all the “if” scenarios as I am very good at playing chess and all the paperwork is done, i’s dotted, t’s crossed & when it came to execution of the paperwork, God said no. I’m like what ? but it was a clear & a definitive no & I wasn’t sure if I were hearing it correctly, but I reset and started begging God to clarify…  and the answer is always the same… WAIT !

I was disappointed because as I am a scientist and a health nut, I want to help people with their lifestyle choices in terms of nutritional diet and exercises but my approach is different as my field is different. I am a molecular biologist (with emphasis on genetics) & I’ve a greater grasp on the molecular mechanisms. So my business ideas were in these areas with special emphasis on epigenetics & I’m all geared up to lecture people about health message LOL. I also take care of health department at my church where I organize free health screens, healthy cooking classes, etc. So here I was confused & frustrated with God, and I didn’t give up. I just reset per His wishes.

Few years ago, I had a couple of life altering experiences which felled me flat on my face. You would think I would learn my lesson with the first one, but nah, I was a very arrogant child and I decided I know what’s best for me. When I didn’t receive the desire of my heart, I pleaded with God for a reversal of His decision. For days I cried, whimpered, and I promised Him everything under the sun if He let me do it. I wore him out with my incessant crying. Sometimes God lets us go our way because He doesn’t do anything against our will and without our saying “Thy Will be done”. I did say “Thy Wll be done” but I didn’t mean it and I had reservations. When God said No, I was like, are you sure ? Perhaps, you haven’t understood me at all, what with my accent and stuff…  I didn’t accept His answer and I didn’t focus on His still small voice and I didn’t seek His clarification by reading the Scriptures. Looking back now I can see God’s sad face as He quietly got out of my way & let me bounce ahead on the path I chose & got my breath knocked out literally and figuratively. The decision I made had a ripple effect and the tragic results of that adamant decision manifested as a negative impact on every aspect of my life.

In the years since that life-altering decision day, I have learned so much about praying “Thy Will Be Done”, and meaning it, about how God works, and about myself. I’m still growing up and learning to know how to converse with Him. Learning to pick up that phone & dialing out to Him first. “Call to Me, and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things which you do not know.” Jeremiah 33:3

Someone once said, coincidences happen more regularly when we pray ! God wants to direct our steps, and brings about what some would call “chance meetings” to accomplish His good plan for our lives.

I would like to think that I am on the right path, and when the answer came to me as no, I put a semicolon there (for some weird reason, I am fond of semi-colons & I use them a lot and I’m painfully aware that Kurt Vonnegut may not like me as he hates semi-colons, but it’s ok) and apologized to the other party & explained that I must wait. He was ok with it as well.

When I was a child I had a dream, which made me depressed and I cried for a very long time and I still remember that dream. The dream was I found Jesus in a dark cave lit only by some oil lamps (and obviously He was dressed in long robes & he had long hair and long beard but He was gorgeous) and He was immensely sick and I was trying to take care of Him. This made me sad for ages as I couldn’t comprehend what the reason was for Him being so ill. I remember telling myself that I would try my best to find that cave and heal Him somehow and for a long time I cried and cried, because my parents won’t take me to Israel and help me look for that cave because you see, I knew as a child that He would be somewhere in Israel because He was born there.

It’s been about a year now since I’ve been waiting and I kept getting message after message from book of Nehemiah and God led me on a different path and humbling path, which I am not pleased with, but I’ve decided I’d do what He says as my own wisdom resulted in a disaster of gigantic proportions. I am at that point in my life, I’m like God, idc, lead me where you want me to go & I’ll do it (but You must put up my whining & complaining) and I will walk with You the rest of my days or Your soon coming, whichever is earlier & You must promise me that I’ll see Your Face no matter what and You MUST grant me this !

My Church recently started on a vision of a free clinic(s) and a life style center for everyone and well, as I’m a scientist, I’m given one of those driving wheels. My first thought was no, not me because there are doctors, and nurses and people who are more qualified than I’m, but then I started realizing that I am uniquely qualified to run the program as I have run a multimillion dollar company while being the right hand to the President and CEO. I know the legalities required to start a nonprofit organization, I know how to propose and write grants for a business, (scientists write a lot of grants) and I know how to organize.

Today we had our second meeting. And while we were working out the details of this particular endeavor, half way through, my little brain comprehended how God uniquely molded me for this project. I mean, He is awesome. While I don’t have a business degree, my experience in the corporate world, is worth more than any degree; my boss mentored me so well as she thought I’ve NYC attitude 🙂 and my education in sciences, qualifies me on the science side of the clinic & life style center and I’ve a license in real estate and so I can also work on the purchasing of the property for this work.

All I need to work on now is my arrogance and pride and I kid you not, but I need to humble myself down so much. I am thinking of working on that aspect with 100 days of prayer for God to mold my personality “Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction” Isaiah 48:10 God wants me to be gold and not silver; one time a goldsmith told me that they refine gold by putting the gold 18 times in the furnace to make it pure.

And all the messages which came from the book of Nehemiah started making sense. The book of Nehemiah is about building the city of Jerusalem. He was grieved with the news of the ruined walls of Jerusalem and mourns and fasts over it. It took the king four months to notice Nehemiah’s plight and when he asks Nehemiah what’s wrong, he goes to God to pray… “Then the king said to me, ‘What do you request?’ So I prayed to the God of heaven.” —Nehemiah 2:4

I think if I were in his place, I would start babbling off to the King, how the city of God is in ruin, how I must go and take care of this right away… you know, and I wouldn’t once think of stopping and praying to God. This also I finally comprehended as I was confused about these Nehemiah messages. I was like what are You saying to me… ? this makes no sense as I’m not in building any kind of project apart from my own broken life which only You can put together as I’m one of those humpty dumpty cases….

I’m hoping this is where God is leading me to serve His creation with Christ’s message of Love and Healing. I’m still gonna say “Thy Will be done” and this time I’m gonna mean it. I’m sure I will have lots of doubts and insecurities and all kinds of nagging stuff but I also know my God will see me through them all.

I found this on tumblr & idk who Matt King is y’all, but I thought I would share this: “Your insecurities are arguments with God. He is telling you that you are loved and forgiven, but your insecurities are trying to convince Him of that you are the one person the gospel doesn’t apply to. The good news is, God is going to win those arguments in the end. He always does.” – Matt King

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. And I will be found of you, saith the LORD…..” Jeremiah 29:11-14

My future may be uncertain to me, but not to my God.  All I need to do is hang in there & keep my focus on Him.