psalm 119

You are my place of quiet retreat. I wait for Your word to renew me (Psalm 119:114). I found this particular translation on tumblr and I fell in love with it. KJV has a different translation and I prefer KJV to any other translation, as I think it’s a very majestic language, and I imagine to myself that God speaks in KJV when He talks to me; I do have a problem with some of the words – I can read them perfectly in my mind, but when I actually speak them out loud my brain freezes, my neurons misfire, & I stutter. I know this because during daily worship, I read the scriptures twice, once out loud for my kids (cats) and once silently as when I read out loud my brain shuts off and nothing gets in there. It’s probably because I trained it to treat other noises as white noise as I tend to put on musique something classical or French to help me concentrate when I’m reading or writing.

Things are confusing lately and I wish someone would give me a protocol and say “step 1: do this; step 2: do this; if step 2 is negative, go back to step 1 and proceed to step 3, etc., etc.,”. But alas, life doesn’t come with instructions.

Sometimes I just lie on my bed and stare at the heavens (currently in that position) and talk to God about all these confusing little life things and while half believing, I do tell Him I trust Him even though nothing makes sense right now.

God knows my anxieties and as often as I feel that He is ignoring me, I know He isn’t, as He keeps sending me little love notes. For example: on thursday He sent me this into my inbox:

“Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” – Luke 12:6, 7

God is constant and He changes not (Malachi 3:6)

But I’m a mess. That best describes me. I swing like a pendulum from one end, feeling dejected and hopeless and to the other end where I’m immersed in God’s peace. I tremble with anxieties and I’ve all these little worries. My heart pounds, my hands shake, but at the back of my mind, I know He would never leave me and keeps me calm and fills me with His strength through His word. He knows my needs, my wants, my pain, my confusion, my doubts, my loneliness and my emptiness.

My Bible is falling apart with all my tears soaked pages and  with the ink bled pages where I underlined the verses, & I’ve written tiny notes in the margins of the verses which sustain me and keep me afloat when I’m drowning in my fears. I struggle to keep my eyes on Him some days and I let the desires of my heart influence me. There are days when I get so prideful and arrogant and I forget how I was when I was at my low and how the blessings of God rescued me. To be honest, I’m barely functioning in this life where I’m surrounded by negativity and bombarded by hatred for one another.

But I am trying though, and trying very hard to keep my eyes on Him, and let Him lead me. I keep reminding myself of His promises and counting on His faithfulness. He promises beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3); He promises peace for anxieties and worries (John 14:27); He promises comfort for those in need (Psalms 23:4); He promises strength for our weakness (Isaiah 40:29). God keeps His promises in His time and His time, is always the right time. He has not failed me yet and He never will. I’m assured time and again, and I’ll praise Him through every season for He is good and He is faithful and He is loving and He is close. Even when my deepest pain seems unnoticed and my need is unmet, I’ll remember to rejoice in Him. “…….Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation ! The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places…. Habakkuk 3:18-19”

He is able to turn anything around and He will take my pain and turn it into oil of joy and of astounding beauty. This He promises me & I’m holding on to it for His eye is on this sparrow and I know He watches me.