Wrestling with God is what I actually meant. I love this passage from Bible, where Jacob wrestled with God.  And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob’s thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him. And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me. And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob.Genesis 32:24-27

People often get confused about this passage & some say it’s an angel that Jacob actually wrestled with. But it’s not. It’s Jesus, Jacob wrestled with. Jesus is the only one who is Man & God at the same time. Jesus has been the theme of the Old Testament & God, the Father is the theme in the New Testament. Jesus came down & walked & talked with our patriarchs, & prophets & kings of the Bible. For example: He was the one with whom Abraham bargained to not destroy Sodom & Gomorrah. Anyway, back to Jacob. Jacob was miserable. He was away from his family & he was lonely in an unfamiliar territory & he was deeply disturbed. And then he finds himself struggling with a stranger in the darkest time of the night but he realized he must fight to live. Once he was made cripple, he realizes that he wasn’t struggling with an ordinary man… E.G. White says: “the patriarch now discerned the character of his antagonist. He knew that he had been in conflict with a heavenly messenger, and this was why his almost superhuman effort had not gained the victory. It was Christ, “the Angel of the covenant,” who had revealed Himself to Jacob. The patriarch was now disabled and suffering the keenest pain, but he would not loosen his hold. All penitent and broken, he clung to the Angel; “he wept, and made supplication” (Hosea 12:4), pleading for a blessing. He must have the assurance that his sin was pardoned. Physical pain was not sufficient to divert his mind from this object. His determination grew stronger, his faith more earnest and persevering, until the very last. The Angel tried to release Himself; He urged, “Let Me go, for the day breaketh;” but Jacob answered, “I will not let Thee go, except Thou bless me.” Had this been a boastful, presumptuous confidence, Jacob would have been instantly destroyed; but his was the assurance of one who confesses his own unworthiness, yet trusts the faithfulness of a covenant-keeping God.” Patriarchs & Prophets pp 197

When I was 6 years old, I decided I wanted to be like Enoch & have conversations with God. “And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.” Genesis 5:2 Next to Jesus, I’ve many favorite people in Bible & Enoch is one of them. One can’t just walk in silence. When you are walking with someone, you chat & you converse. And God thought He couldn’t do without having conversations with Enoch, so He coolly told Enoch to go home with Him. Enoch was translated. My aunt’s joke is that one day Enoch & God walked so far that God told him, well my house is closer than yours, so Enoch you must come & stay with me. Some Sabbath afternoons, I go hiking alone just to spend some time with my Savior. It’s really great to have conversations with God. Just imagine the sorts of things you could talk with God. I used to have all these convos with Him when I was a child. There was nothing which I wouldn’t tell Him. Here’s the irony…He knows EVERY THING ! so God & I had marvelous time for a while & then I grew up !

Life kept knocking me down, knocking me down & I get myself up somehow & dust off only to get knocked down again. I kept thinking that I’ve been doing this by my own strength, but lately I’ve realized it’s not my own strength which saved me, but it’s the Grace of God. Even when I left His Hand, He didn’t let go of me & pulled me even closer to Him. Like the Psalmist says…Whither shall I go from thy spirit ? Or whither shall I flee from thy presence ? (Psalms 139:7). He decided I’m His & so He’s gonna keep me. He will let me wander as I please but pull me closer to Him when I fall with fatigue. I have been a prodigal daughter & thank God for my parents, Sunday school teachers (I was a Lutheran by birth but an SDA by choice), and my faith that I haven’t wandered too far, that I couldn’t hear His voice.

God is marvelous for a reason. He knows when it’s the right time to catch someone & He caught me midfall. I was very distressed & yes, I’ve been going through the valley of the shadow of death itself & I perfectly understood what David was talking about in Psalm 23. All of a sudden a whole lot of Bible passages came to life & I experienced them. I’ve prayed the way Hannah prayed; there was a time I’ve no one to turn to for help or to lessen my pain. I was in so much anguish I couldn’t form words & instead poured my heart out in buckets of tears. In agony I was going to Sabbath worship services one Friday evening, tears streaming & wondering if I should even drive but I was in a bad way & the only place I could go to is church & it’s Sabbath. So I was pleading with God & asking Him to guide me & all of a sudden a car comes in front of me with a Psalm 91:1 and El Shaddai on the license plate. I was speechless as I know what He is telling me. El Shaddai gets translated very feebly in English language. El Shaddai is an amazing name for the Lord, our God. The same description is again in Revelation 1 chapter describing Jesus Christ. The name means that He is a father & a mother at the same time. Like a father He will protect us & like a mother (with breasts) He will nourish us & care for. That message brought so much peace to me & so much of boldness & strength to face life again.

Since then it has been a struggle to keep my eyes focused on Him & Him alone & to walk with Him & have conversations with Him again, like I used to when I was a child. I offered Him my broken heart as I’ve nothing else to give. My spirit is broken & I’ve no where to go but to God. I know He is faithful & He will keep me & accept my offering. Like Jacob I’m wresting with God & asking Him to bless me. Like Jacob I realize my unworthiness but I’m trusting on His faithfulness to bless me. Now a days, all I pray is that He will keep me to be faithful to Him & to help me to stand in my lot at the end of my days & to see His face when I wake up !