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The Lord Liveth !

My life & learning to surrender to His Will

Happy Sabbath

sabbath 4-28-17

This week seemed like a 100 year journey and praise God it’s Sabbath and now I can delight in His presence and call Him blessed ! God had been wonderful to me all these days and we adore Him and serve Him for He is love and His mercies endure forever !

Happy and Blessed Sabbath, children of the Most High God !

Shalom !

sabbath 4-21-17

My soul thirsts for God Psalm 42:2

Happy Sabbath ! We worship Him because He is our God and He is our Savior ! Give thanks and Bless His name !

 

 

Happy Sabbath !

Sabbath 4-14-17

We keep the Sabbath because He is our God and because He is our Redeemer !

“No human agent can supply that which will satisfy the hunger and thirst of the soul. But Jesus says,….’I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst (John 6:35).’ The more we know of God, the higher will be our ideal of character and more earnest our longing to reflect His likeness.” Thoughts From the Mount of Blessing, p. 18

Happy Sabbath to us all, children of the Most High God !

Shalom !

Sabbath 4-7-17

“Harmony with God, likeness to Him-what can you do to obtain it? It is peace that you need-Heaven’s forgiveness and peace and love in the soul. Money cannot buy it, intellect cannot procure it, wisdom cannot attain to it; you can never hope, by your own efforts, to secure it. But God offers it to you as a free gift, “without money and without price (Isaiah 55:1).” Steps to Christ, p. 49

Have a peaceful and relaxing Sabbath ! Rest in the Lord and Sabbath greetings !

Happy Sabbath !

sabbath 3-31

“True reverence for God is inspired by a sense of His infinite greatness and a realization of His presence. With this sense of the Unseen, every heart should be deeply impressed. The hour and place of prayer are sacred, because God is there. And as reverence is manifested in attitude and demeanor, the feeling that inspires it will be deepened…Angels, when they speak that name, veil their faces. With what reverence   then, should we, who are fallen and sinful, take it upon our lips!” Prophets & Kings, p. 48, 49

“Holy and reverend is His name.” Psalm 111:9

 

 

Shalom !

Sabbath 3-24

I have much to thank God for ! He has kept His promise to me this year (Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:19). All I now have to do is not to forget that He was and will be faithful to me and try and walk with Him daily.

“God never leads His children otherwise than they would choose to be led, if they could see the end from the beginning and discern the glory of the purpose which they are fulfilling as co-workers with Him.” The Faith I Live By (Mrs. White), p. 62

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

Happy Sabbath and rest in Him for He breathes Himself into us !

 

c’est comme ça !

Some days all I need is coffee and lipstick !

I missed you today, Jean-Claude. I have been missing you a lot lately but as you were my best friend and anything nice happens to me, my brain automatically says “I should tell this to Jace” and I then remember you not being here. On this Sabbath morning, babies and I sat around and thanked the Lord for His immense mercies and blessings and that we were happy  and God saw us through when we were going through the valley of shadow of death.

We thought it would be Spring and then snow almost drowned us in about half a foot of snow… we are thawing now and even tho it’s bone chilling cold, the sun was out and warm on my face and I was warmed to that feeling where the spring is in the air and all my molecules kept saying, I can feel the summer in the air !

My new job is maximum chill and I am happy and content… I keep singing to myself and lightly dance around the office…. I swear I could ask for anything and my boss would give it to me. She is insanely grateful that I am so cheerful with smiles and that I do whatever she asks with a smile and she keeps saying this half aloud to herself and half aloud to me. Did I tell you that she asked me what salary I wanted ? I picked my salary.

Traumatized people are often afraid of feeling. It is not so much the perpetrators (who, hopefully, are no longer around to hurt them) but their own physical sensations that now are the enemy. Apprehension about being hijacked by uncomfortable sensations keeps the body frozen and the mind shut. Even though the trauma is a thing of the past, the emotional brain keeps generating sensations that make the sufferer feel scared and helpless. It’s not surprising that so many trauma survivors are compulsive eaters and drinkers, fear making love, and avoid many social activities: Their sensory world is largely off limits. “Bessel van der Kolk “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and the Body in the Healing of Trauma”

Trauma ! After you died, my nights were filled with night terrors of me pulling my teeth out… tugging and twisting and leaving tiny crates and  I felt the salty blood fill up in these as tiny pools and how vivid my dreams were…. I kept collecting them in a jar on my night table… waking up in cold sweats and ran my tongue to make sure my teeth are still there…

Night after nights trying to sleep in flood lit house as I was afraid to be in the dark in our house all by myself and some nights I sat by the window for the sun to come up so I can sleep.

I keep swallowing down the lump in my throat which never goes down, and the bleeding broken heart in my chest, and the tight knot in my rib cage from so many unsaid things. There were apologies brimming on the tips of my tongue, but I keep my mouth shut for fear of spilling all the unsaid things lurking between my lips. I want to tell you that I have wandered and got lost while learning to be brave, to dive into something where there are no promises or guarantees, let alone a safety net and no comforting logic to cradle me. I often fell asleep with tears staining my cheeks, shaking not because it was cold; I took baby steps and knew that despite my best intentions and hopeful wishes, the dizzying stupidity of having positive thoughts laced with all I do, I could never find comfort; I don’t know how to begin to explain to you, that I traveled vast distances in reasons beyond needing a conclusion to the murky mass I had been floating around in the past few years.

I have been vulnerable, getting familiar with my mistakes, arriving at a truth that left me unable to hold onto something anymore, the consequences of falling in love and when the burden is too heavy for the other to life, the result of the right person and wrong ending; I keep wondering how long can I keep quietly caring for you, even now, silently praying with pleas of desperate hope to find another you, so I can move ahead without fear.

I keep pushing away everyone who wants to be close to me. I feel guilty for leading strangers into flames of something horrible, encouraging them to be brave with me and I leave holding on to my scars and sad bruises life left on my skin in trickling red or in purple blue constellations..

I have given up taking risks or chase lofty ideas of possibility, because in the end, no matter what I conquer, there will still be that part that hurts much more than I would like to admit. I was piling excuses and refusing to admit that I had put forth an effort that felt muscular and violent, the push and shove that created perspiration on the palms of my hand. It f$%ing hurts and it left me feeling more scared and vulnerable than ever.

I missed you today. Again.

I found myself transported by a triggering circumstance to a place I knew only vaguely, the small world trapped between where I’ve been and where I am heading. I have this particular longing that make my heart hurt and my mind weigh heavy on the consequences of what my actions. It wasn’t the anger I shook from, shouting bitter words and leaving hot tears behind because I wanted to be enough, but I couldn’t quite be. It was the odd, melancholy notion that you will forever be caught in memories. I will be holding on to fragments that keep falling through the cracks of my brain. I missed you because I wanted you to be more than just some mediocre-ly penned past, because I didn’t want you to end, but rather keep going on and on, one chapter following the next, closing chapters with proper paragraphs, definitive sentences and pauses and periods.

I decided I want a baby and as IVF is not quite Biblical, I am adopting a child. A girl preferably who I can raise to be as intelligent as her mama; a boy is fine as well. I am trying to remember what name you picked for a girl when I was pregnant with our child and I can’t remember. I also lost our baby twinkie and I miss her terribly. I have lost many loved ones since you, but you and twinkie are still painful. The others, their memories throb sometimes and it’s difficult for me to breathe at those times. I have been holding in my breath but I think I am going to exhale now.

That’s just today, though. Like yesterday and tomorrow, like all the days stretching before and after, things will be different. This is all just for now, until next time, I miss you. Talk to you and see you eventually.

Shabbat Shalom

sabbath 3-17

Our God is still a God of Miracles…

There remains therefore a rest for the people of God (Hebrews 4:9)

I have been so exhausted of my life and held my breath in and waited to exhale… and God made way for me and took away my burden and soothed my pain… and His Goodness is shining brightly, showing me the way home and best things are yet to come, as I’m claiming His promises !

“Could men see with heavenly vision, they would behold companies of angels that excel in strength stationed about those who have kept the word of Christ’s patience. With sympathizing tenderness, angels have witnessed their distress and have heard their prayers.”  Great Controversy,  p. 630 (Mrs. White)

“Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?” Hebrews 1:14

Happy Sabbath to us all, His chosen ones, from all nations and tongues !

Happy Sabbath

sabbath 3-10

Happy Sabbath everyone !  The true Sabbath rest both blesses and connects us to our Father and His Son Jesus Christ in loving obedience. Praise God, the Father of Lights ! He is perfect love and perfect happiness and ALL goodness comes from Him ! Thank Him for His unfailing mercy !

“At all times and in all places, in all sorrows and in all afflictions, when the outlook seems dark and the future perplexing, and we feel helpless and alone, the comforter will be sent in answer to the prayer of faith. Circumstances may separate us from every earthly friend; but no circumstance, no distance, can separate us from the heavenly Comforter. Wherever we are, wherever we may go, He is always at our right hand to support, sustain, uphold, and cheer..” The Faith I Live By, p. 54 (Mrs. White)

“And those the Lord has rescued will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.” Isaiah 35:10

 

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