The Lord Liveth !

My life & learning to surrender to His Will

Midnight in Paris


Midnight in Paris : I had the best night tonight since 2014; I spent this evening with my best friend who is visiting Philly and we both sat in our favorite haunt, Max Brenner (shout out to the baldman) and reminisced and caught up and loved every second of it. It’s my Midnight in Paris, part 2. Love her and enjoyed every minute hanging out with her.

Interestingly my short-lived love affair with jazz started one night after I watched Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris (with my friend). I always have romanticized the 1920s but the movie triggered a night’s worth of appreciation. I remember sitting on a chair near my window and listening to the sounds of Louie Armstrong while watching the night sky. That evening was so pleasurable that I made it a weekly habit that lasted about six months…

but sometimes you just find less time (and freedom) to enjoy nights alone, esp if you were not alone and at that time I had a husband who didn’t appreciate my music jazz or otherwise as he was into hard rock. so I slowly drifted off and finally I stopped listening to jazz.

Flash forward to the present, meeting and spending this night with my friend resurfaced memories of those times and the nights where I suppressed the habit of watching TV, or playing video games but rather indulged in jazz music. I am wondering if I should watch La La Land and if I would be seduced by Jazz for a second time. Although the film is set in modern times, this movie’s protagonist is a passionate jazz musician, played by Ryan gosling. And speaking of Ryan Gosling, my friend nick named my current crush (blued eyed kitty) as ryan gosling (for whatever reasons lol)

Imagine meeting this boy at “roaring twenties” theme party. The venue is stunning – crystal chandeliers, feather accents, and touches of art deco patterns on every surface. And he walks in and meanders through the crowd and asks you to dance, but you tell him you don’t know the steps; he says it doesn’t matter. You spend the rest of the night bonding over jazz, and spectacularly failed dance moves.

also as an update on my life, i have been trying to write some poems about my crush again, and so far, they are all ending with “we are two big idiots”. so i think it’s going REALLY WELL !!



Happy Sabbath !

sabbath 10-6

“In summer, as we look upon the trees of the distant forest, all clothed with a beautiful mantle of green, we may not be able to distinguish between the evergreens and the other trees. But as winter approaches, and the frost king encloses them in his icy embrace, stripping the other trees of their beautiful foliage, the evergreens are readily discerned. Thus it will be with all who are walking in humility, distrustful of self, but clinging tremblingly to the hand of Christ…It requires the testing time to reveal the pure gold of love and faith in the character. When trials and perplexities come upon the church, then the steadfast zeal and warm affections of Christ’s true followers are developed.” The Sanctified Life p. 11, 12

“They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:8

Happy Sabbath !


Weekend of phone calls to different time zones, going to church, listening to the piano, so many staircases to nothing at all, multiple cups of coffee, erasures and loosening my grip and easing through things and trying to seek refuge in relearning, and regrouping. Sleepy and quiet. A lot of comings and goings. Reading jeanann verlee poems and jenny holzer. Bed rest and eating. Tired but very grateful for flowers and kittens and bottled diet cokes and car sing-alongs. i’m thankful for: poems about love, a fresh bag of chips (still unopened), every train ride home from work, bananas and peaches, countdowns, unmade plans, listening to my heart beat, ghosts of my past, kissing the tips of my kitties noses.

yes / no

I don’t want to write this, this year. It’s been very tired one. A lighter one. The last few felt heavier. I kept my secrets up my sleeves.. I am exhausted. Last week took my breath away. Asthma, on the brink of panic attack, periods, exhaustion and now I am going through withdrawal from starchy foods as I switched to complex carbs. But this week is also a satisfying one. I was pushed to my limits and beyond and I won; I am enjoying this aftermath of power. Switching gears. I gave out my email, because I don’t want you to think I didn’t give you a chance. But also, i am not a good partner. I walk up and down in my own mind but I haven’t found an exit. I know you are patient. Probably nothing comes out of this but you give me hope that I could be happy and it’s sort of intoxicating. I went to gym today and did core and more. I expected a half hour of lying on the mat and crunching my abs but the “more” part exhausted me and I once more faced off with “burpees” which really annoy me. Speaking of annoying, I’ve an annoying habit of OCD and I was in T’s office talking to him and then abruptly I went “can I please come into your office tomorrow and unwind your phone cord”. He probably thought I have finally come unglued… what can I say, once my husband described me that I’m like a heroine in a good romance novel in which the heroine is moody, passionate, unstable and probably on tranqs and she still makes a good read. I explained I have OCD and he calmly unwound the phone cord and told me now you can get a good night’s sleep.. haha I’m thinking I need to do my passport as some days I wake up with an urge to pack a light suitcase and go and visit Iceland or Norway or one of those Scandinavian countries and look at the northern lights and enjoy the dance show.

Peace !

happy Sabbath-2

As I’m about to enter the Sabbath rest, I’m thankful to my God who is still faithful to me, even when I’m not…

“The very first outbreathing of the soul in the morning should be for the presence of Jesus. ‘Without Me,’ He says, ‘ye can do nothing.’ It is Jesus that we need; His light, His life, His spirit, must be ours continually. We need Him every hour. And we should pray in the morning that as the sun illuminates the landscape, and fills the world with light, so the Sun of Righteousness may shine into the chambers of mind and heart, and make us all light in the Lord. We cannot do without His presence one moment. The enemy knows when we undertake to do without our Lord, and he is there, ready to fill our minds with his evil suggestions that we may fall from our steadfastness; but it is the desire of the Lord that from moment to moment we should abide in Him, and thus be complete in Him. . . ” Our Father Cares p. 40

“My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up.” Psalm 5:3

Happy Sabbath. children of the Most High God !!

Bon Sabbat

happy Sabbath

“He [Jesus] did not urge upon His disciples the necessity of ceaseless toil…. “Come ye yourselves apart, … and rest a while,” He says to those who are worn and weary. It is not wise to be always under the strain of work….for in this way personal piety is neglected, and the powers of mind and soul and body are overtaxed.” Desire of Ages p. 361, 362

“And He said, My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest.” Exodus 33:14

Amen and Happy Sabbath !



Oh September, you are the season that awaken’s my writer’s soul !! Today is the perfect summer/fall day. The sun was shining, a cool breeze made everything feel light and easy while cicadas and bird-songs filled the air… A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will have no beauty at all. Nature tries hard to get our attention.. Staying home with my kids is always my preferred pass time. I declared today self-care day and i got my body bleached, waxed, polished and i have applied fruit masks on face, body and hair and as i planned to workout in the evening i just rinsed them off and headed to the gym … all through the workout and through the sweat the fragrances of almond, bananas, and honey surrounded me which were quite delicious tbh.

As i was about to post, Jace’s friend, Beth fondly remembered him and along came all my memories in a flood… not that i’ve forgotten him as i carry him under my skin. But i consciously remember to live and i remember that i was once loved unconditionally and relive.

“Find out where joy resides, and give it a voice far beyond singing. For to miss the joy is to miss all.”
Robert Louis Stevenson

hello September !

As summer comes to an end, I was in my secret garden with my kids this evening and I heard the cicadas and I wondered about them coming out for a season. They crawled out of the earth, shed their skin transformed and let the sun harden their new wings and sang their hearts out this summer. Hopefully few of them laid their eggs. As the weather cools, they began their farewell songs in my backyard. Time to reborn, rejoice and renew….
goodbye August, hello September !
In a Wonderland we lie,
Dreaming as the days go by,
Ever drifting down the stream
Lingering in the golden gleam
Life, what is it but a dream?
Lewis Carroll

Love and Fishing

‘Ask me no more, for fear I should reply (Housman)…..
I got a call from a friend telling me he is getting a divorce and I felt pretty bad for him. I was consoling my friend and I was thinking about life today, actually a lot lately. Today I confessed to someone as I couldn’t hurt him but not sure if it were a good idea tho. I mean I think if someone is happy, who am I to throw a wrench. One time my friend Jack told me he would like to fall in love once before he dies… by that what he meant was that to fall head over heels in love with a person and that love being reciprocated. But I think, it’s more important to find someone who pays attention to me; who runs his fingers over my every scar and ask me where each one came from; to find someone who knows how i like my coffee; and what song makes me to roll down my car window and slam hard on the gas pedal and sing wildly into the night; to find someone who takes in my smallest details and who notices the things no one ever notices.
And then…when I find him…
be his someone as well
And one was fond of me: and all are slain’ (by Housman)” “love and fishing. Sooner or later it all comes to the same thing. The one that got away !” – Endeavour

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